I wish you had been satisfied with our marriage.

I keep thinking of all the things I'm going through (I have no idea who or what you are anymore, so I can't imagine how you spend your time) and how much I'd enjoy it if we were still partners or even friends.

 

Alas poor Yorrick.

 

Aging with grace.

 

What we've learned about mental health and psychedelics.

 

What I've learned about other modalities from my endless therapy…I've used IFS, NVC, equine therapy, microdosing psylocibin and LSD, KAP, assisted MDMA (disaster), family constellation work, breathwork, meditation soundtracks, and of course, recovery and bliss cannabis.

 

And a few margaritas…fuck all you fancy folks.  They didn't help but I felt better for a few hours before depression multiplier kicked in.

 

Two things I haven't used…coke and sex.  Not much call for that when you're 69, living alone, and just trying to make it through the days and nights.

 

Also, I've changed my attitude toward the food I eat, and towards exercise.  I still like to cook, but not consume as much.  I still like to move, but not for sustained periods.  It feels risky to use up that much energy when anxiety and depression are waiting for the slightest crack so they can begin their tireless tap dancing on my skull. 

 

Better to be rested…

 

I'd be so curious to talk about sex as a fun thing, rather than war.  To talk about politics, even though we were never as aligned as we liked to believe.  We'd have to stay away from ethics…no chance we could talk about that comfortably, unless it was about a primer we had both read.

 

I don't enjoy many books or streaming any more, so it would be good to drop that topic.  We had so many fantastic book groups, and all those wonderful nights talking about incredible films or series.  None of that mattered a wit when you met Caroline, so I just don't see the purpose any more.  I doubt I'll ever date again, but I would hope to meet someone who is both cerebral, like you, but who also has a heart (as opposed to a website and marketing copy).

 

In the end, I think you lost more than I did…I was much more engaged with the art and culture we consumed.  But, yes, I know this was not important to you.  You yawned and interrupted and tuned out…probably exchanging texts with your latest lover was more interesting than me.  I'm so sorry I wasted your time with things like "interesting Odyssey story built into "Lean on Pete." 

 

I'm amazed you didn't snort as you awoke, given how deep your boredom with your marriage always was, and how defiantly you reminded me of it, after 2012.

 

Ouch.  My only defense:  You are unique.  You are the only human I'm angry with.  You are the only human I hate.  I align with your mom and Doron so much more than I align with you.  Your mom and your ex and I have so much more in common than I do with whoever you are.