I do not "have" depression

Here I am, depressed.

 

It's different than any other health situation I've experienced. 

 

You "have" a cold.  You "have" COVID.

 

You do not have depression.

 

Depression is who you are.  It occupies every molecule of your being.  It wavers in intensity, but it does not leave.  I would imagine, should I one day walk back into the sunlight, that it will always be there…as a warning that daily activities are at risk of sending you back to a hell that you're terrified to reenter.

 

Also, as a friendly protector reminding you how much you appreciate it's departure.  I imagine…haven't gotten to the recovery part of this journey across the low flatland…that it will make the highs higher.  That I will appreciate more fully every ounce of love, affirmation, kindness, and beauty...every scrap of recognition…

 

These are distant dreams at the moment.  I bought a dozen red roses for myself yesterday.  This morning they've already sagged!  I look at them and I see the decay.  I see that the clipped buds have already surrendered to final death.  I think I should dry them.   This is day 2!

 

I don't know how long I've been depressed but, seeing no forward progress, I guess I'm in for another year or two of deep disabling power struggles for control of my neural pathways.  Years more of irritability, multiple daily crying sessions, withdrawal from friends who are afraid or disinterested in dealing with a sick person, etc.  Years of therapy I can no longer afford.

 

Years of loneliness so deep I do not recall myself…that stranger from the past.

 

I face east.  South.  West.  North.

 

Maybe it's not a few years.  Maybe it's forever, David.  I "am" depressed.  I am me.