Still the same habit that got me into this mess

I've trained myself to wake up during the middle of the night filled with anger toward my ex, who seems increasingly abusive the farther into the memory hole she falls.

Alice in Nowheresville.

Alice in the Blank Wall.

This is not a good habit, but it is a good case study of how habit controls emotion.  It's almost like the automatic physical reaction of a drink of alcohol or the pleasure of intimacy.  In this case, it's the shock of recognizing an asshole. The startling trauma of her flaws.  Her unattractiveness inside and out.  Her own well-refined habit of betrayal.

I also see myself.  I see my trauma,and how I would rather stay on the couch all day alone than respond to texts or interact.  I don’t need to leave the house any,o get, and imalways surprising myself when I do.  I have no energy most of the time.

I've been introduced to various techniques, some of them from the world of addiction management, to resist bad habits and form better ones. 

1. The Ring of Fire…extending my arms in a circle with my palms out every time the witch tries to get into my thoughts.  This works, but it's also a negative energy…fencing my own soul to prevent the entry of a violent predator.

1. Deep breathing…this also works…filling my lungs, and using meditative focus on the breath to bring myself away from toxins and back to my peaceful self.  This also works, and it very quickly changes my entire body activity.

1. The blue bubble…I met a woman in a bar who taught me a more positive way…to wrap violators in a happy blue bubble and launch the package into the energy of the sun.  Yes, it's a bit like Belinda in the Wizard of Oz, but it sort of worked and then you draw your own good energy back in a blue bubble out of the sun's power and energy.  No negative energy in this technique, and there's a refreshment of new positive energy when I successfully complete the trip.  Dumping trash at the landfill, and bringing back some new electronics (that requires my red Tacoma pickup truck…not as good for toxic waste as big floating blue bubbles). 

For now, when it's 3:36 AM and there's no moon, and ecverthing is dark and quiet and cold (I live in the mountains and I turn down the heat at night), I succumb to my bad habit of hating my ex, who hurt me so badly and for so long.  May her vileness drown in a sea of windy breath, circles of fire, and impermeable membranes of blue detergent.