Recovering from a terrible marriage, with nightmares to prove it

 Recently my ex is fading from view. She wasn’t notable, she’s less so now, and she’s mean. Good riddance as she often said to me. 

Today’s fun.  Change of pace on the boringly slow slog through grief, anger, pTSd and depression. Healing. God, that’s a concept for losers and has-beens. Like me!

Today:rage!!!  I hate the fucking bitch. What a relief. Something new, like the first crocus of the spring. 

I already held space for your mediocrity for 30 years. Thank god I never waited for you to hold space for me. Or anyone else. Because you can’t. You’re a narcissist. You don’t care.

3:48 am:  woke up from a terrible nightmare. The rage continues at an evil flat affect cartoon character who has taken over my home with some version of a lesbian telemarketing company. Everyone has laundry and knitting all over the place and none of them know my ex doesn’t like any of them.  To her they’re all the same as I am—meaningless tools to prop up her missing ego. 

Wow. The hatred I feel toward this monster is amazing. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. I can feel her intent to harm spreading out of my dream and poisoning the universe.in my dream she is a stain of disregard. She doesn’t see others as humans. I don’t see her that way either. 

Close the door on that crappy Sci-fi scene. Try to get back to sleep.  I don’t want rage and hatred to be around me. She is going to destroy what’s left of my health if I don’t escape it. 

The nightmare has disabled me. I can’t complete life tasks. I struggle to move. I’m in an unfamiliar dorm and can’t find my people. My cat has been missing forever and I’m afraid she’s lost or hurt. No one sees me and no one cares that I am afraid and lost. 

This is an angry version of hell and my ex, a false witch, lives there with dozens of lesbian telemarketers. She has destroyed all their souls. They don’t notice that she doesn’t do any work, which has always been her case. She steals the proceeds and complains about how stupid and gullible this dumb women are. Just like she used to do with Diti and Rachel and all her “mentors of the moment.”  

Why was there ever any attraction, except I’m as stupid as they are, just more aware that I am broken and ruined by her. 

I observe all my parts she triggers. Yes, hatred and rage are still out front, trying to protect me from her lethal toxicity. It feels like it’s too late.  I will die from her. 

This time in my life is SO not working for me. I am going in completely the wrong direction somehow but I feel like I’m stopped. I’m afraid to live any more. And yet it’s still too much. I suppose it’s death that won’t wait even if I stand still as I have been since she fucked recover so totally.

PTSD and depression lock you in quicksand. You age and decay, and you assume others are moving elsewhere. You can’t touch them and you don’t want to. But you’d like to be held by someone   Reminded that you matter even though you’re wrecked. . 

I did give assisted ketamine trips last year as part of my treatments. Very interesting though clearly did not achieve transformative healing. The second trip, K-2, was a wrestling match in a bunker. (The others were all about joy and fun.). My ex mess there and the battle was between my love for her and the unrelenting knowledge that I disgusted her and she enjoyed seeing me suffer. I believe that person—the one who was there silent in my nightmare while I screamed for help—that being is my ex-wife. That was my horrific marriage with the soul of toxicity.  

Elizabeth the third. All blame. No shame. Willing to execute those who rise far above her in beauty and spirit like me. .  

I could really use some rone’s help with the project of leaving my home  unfortunately I married an asshole who is never never available when needed. Can you imagine if she had stayed as a lawyer?  Malpractice city.  You can’t bill for shitting on your clients. I doubt you can do that in your current field either, whatever you think that is. 

Hrbek—just a reminder that you’re not a lawyer either. You’re a con artist. The left you envision is pathetic. It has nothing in common with mine, where people are honest.