Acceptance—not the Buddhist type, unfortunately; real estate

I accepted a counteroffer at 3.5m today.

I feel sad. Slamming doors on a chapter I devoutly believed would take me to the grave.

Not even close!

I accept the offer, and I accept that I will never get the acknowledgement I desire from my ex. My 70th birthday is next weekend and I'm guessing no presents will arrive.

Such is life when you give your heart to a damaged soul. You pay and pay and pay…for silence.

I am troubled by my situation.  I live alone.  I am spending this evening taking down my Christmas tree alone.The only two beings who matter and who notice me are watching...my two cats.  I think they're enjoying the movement and change, and curious what it means.

I hope they are very very content and safe.  They both look that way, though MM has had a days worth of diarrhea so I'm watching him carefully.  

I went to a Buddhist center earlier today to attend some beginning meditation activities and then a Sunday "service."  The first part was meaningful, and sending "loving kindness" to others is rewarding and so good for a troubled soul.

The service was not all that.  This was a Japanese center, apparently, and it felt much more like a church thing than I anticipated.  Church does nothing for me at all.  

I did benefit from the meditations however.  

This moment, I notice my deep sadness again.  My friend.  It makes sense that I'm sad.  It was a hard day, and I am so very very alone. It is unimaginable that I will ever feel love again...I am terrified of it.  I will never flirt or imply that I'm healthy enough to fulfill a romantic relationship, because my standards are ridiculously high after the punishment I've sustained for all these years from my life partner.

Selling your home of 30 years with an ex who hasn't shared anything about herself for 3 years (and shared rarely before she left) is such a lesson in oppression.  In noticing.  In anger.  In grieving.  

A bad day today in the trend line that slowly ascends, like a spring flower.  

I am my trauma, and I am trauma-informed for myself.  Selling my home is going to be a punch in the fact many times a day until the project is completed.  I accept that.  I'm going to be very very low for the immediate future...and accepting that, I immediately know that my appreciation for the moments when depression lifts tomorrow, or the next day, are worthy of celebration and self love.  

Let my heart find its center today, and going forward.  I am where I'm supposed to be, even though it's a world of fear and silence.

The first noel...the angels did sing.  The tree is in the back of the pickup truck.  The dry needles are vacuumed.  Good night, David.  You are capable of enlightenment!