Surprise—she feels, AND reads!

I got an offer on my NYC apartment yesterday. $3.3 million.

My biggest desire is to conduct this transaction without ever once having to reply directly to my ex.

After three years of her empty vessel behavior, she owes me. I am not available to her now. Reclaim an ounce of my power from the vampire? I don't know. But I do know I feel miserable every time I see her anodyne chirpy one liners show up in my mailbox. This is her version of Ginger Coffey's eternal conversations. My ex is the inverse of what I need, and the converse of what I desire.

No wonder her novels didn't do particularly well. She's always mute when it matters. That's when writers and lovers are supposed to excel.

I'm accustomed to sorting things out alone based on my family constellation history with my mom . I'll also sort the sale of my home out, as I always do. Contracts. I'm good at those!

Here’s what I learned in our call during which we agreed to respond with a firm 3.55m counter.

1. My ex is emotional about selling the apartment.  So she’s capable of emotion.  Not for me or our marriage or putative friendship… but she’s really touched by property.  I believe I heard her say that her emotion is because she’ll never live anywhere as nice.  No points for considering what I might be feeling.  As usual.  But way better on the “ noticing” front.

2. My ex read an email I sent during the call and said she agreed with it.  Then she apologized for not looking at it on a more timely basis.  This from someone who hasn’t responded to a text or message from me in three years.  Again, kinda gormless…but I never had the sense she really saw me as an individual.  I never felt listened to.

There’s a chance I will sell my home by mistake.  This is what happens when two adults never develop baseline communication standards. Problems fester and explode.  Costly mistakes harming both parties are made. Every limited word takes on the power of a missile when words are strangled, as they were in my marriage and divorce.

Fortunately, I know that communication with me was never an option, and it won’t ever be.  How?

One of the truisms from my time with “Narcissist Anon” is that self-centered people often excel in helping  professions…doctors, counselors, life coaches, etc.  The thinking is that their career then offers bona fide evidence to eliminate any potential exposure of hidden sociopathic behaviors.  They can defend their narrative without question—-“I’m a dentist.  All my patients love me!”

Also, these individual may thrive in any position that involves advising others—their lack of the complexities of compassion often looks startlingly clear-headed to the receiver. Think power lawyers—willing to fight for anyone without qualms.  Ruthless people are extremely clear-headed.  It’s terrifying when you meet someone like that.  

Just don’t ever ask for help or a shoulder to cry on.  And don’t pay them late or try to express empathy toward them.  They interpret this reciprocity as pathetic weakness, and immediately take advantage.  It also confuses them.  “I’m perfect, so why are you asking?” Never “thank you for caring.”