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Please. Enough.

I hope I die soon. Really. This is ridiculous. What a pathetic life I've had. Stop. I'm done. Really. Fuck you all.  I lived with a woman who was me-first 24/7 for 30 years. And now she’s convinced she was a victim.  This is the American Dream she hoped for.   Innocent of the carnage behind her. A pure American asshole. She should be on the currency. What a disaster of a human being.  Hiding behind international covenants she’s never once observed in her family life.  I puke on you.

Full misanthrope

So strange. The trend of the last few days continues. I hate everyone! Just luck Donald. He's a twat. Maybe he's just lonely and depressed like me. I doubt he's going to improve soon, so I'm not optimistic about his future joy.

Bad morning

Really dark even though the sun is shining in my eyes as it rises over the eastern Sierra. Really dark. I don't want to continue. I dreamt I still owned my Chris Craft though I'd rented it to some fancy family. But I took it back for August and went for a trip in tropical waters completely alone. I was so happy to have my past back. Not being abused by anyone I knew. Just me and the water and my boat. I fell off a stool yesterday changing a light bulb. What a fucking idiot right?

Something inside of me broke

That's a Dylan line. But it happened to me too and to all the others who suffer. My ignorant ex-wife torments me. The horror the horror in south Harlem. That's Conrad. She is not worth a penny. Take care of yourself own shit honey. Yesterday, fishing for your next round of cash, out of the blue, you opined that it was good we were talking without lawyers. Mina—you fucking ghosted me for years. As if this situation had something to do with me. As if I lawyered up. And not you, you sick fuck. You. Sick. Fuck. I can't express fully the evil I see in you. But I know your mom understood. And others. I would get a lobotomy if I knew it would exit the black soot you leave behind you.

Hatred

The two of us were putrid. I don't know if I hate you or myself more. I'd definitely like to get even with you for your sociopathy. You hurt so many people. I'm in the top group but doubt I was your worst victim. You represent a group of man haters who are so blinded by the abuse they received from their fathers or the abuse their fathers dumped on their mothers—or are just plain sick muthafuckers. So you poison any one you can and reject everyone who sees you as a demon. Spin more bad false hurtful hateful narratives. Destroy your body with cortisol because that's your nectar. Cortisol is the fruit of what you've spewed into the world. It's far too late for you to redeem yourself. Probably for me too. Certainly for the others. I'd rather have a cocaine problem that a cortisol problem though it's a double race to the absolute bottom in both cases.

Dealing with the next round of my ex-wife’s experts

Next step in the 10 year process is splitting up our retirement funds. I deducted $300,000 from my 401k in 2021 to try to help my ex move to MontrƩal. She deposited $165,000 of our joint money in her private SEP without telling me. Whatever. She sucks but I really loved her. I assume this next round of "protecting women" experts know the same two things about me that every other moron Mina hired took for granted: that I'm a coke addict and a crossdresser. It's easy to behave unprofessionally when you've been fed this sewage by a woman who would know better if she weren't disabled. Again, ho-hum. I only hope these predators are competent. That would be a nice change after Vaccaland and Hrbekville and the comedy of errors that populated the last 10 steps. Imagine a world where women didn't need compromised tools like you to Pete t them from men like me! PS Lexington: you don't know me and you never will. But if you need blow a...

People are so mean

A friend of mine fell off the cocaine sobriety wagon for the second time in 39 years last week. I wonder how many people really stop to contemplate this personal disaster. Such a self-esteem buster. And I'm not talking about the drug. I'm talking about meeting your coked up self again. I do not believe people who have not experienced clinical depression, PTSD, or addiction are qualified to speak about these topics. They don't appear to understand how hurtful they are, and how irrelevant they sound. Of course the self-help types can't shut up. Their fuel is coaching. Coaches don't listen. They coach. Non-stop. A job for narcissists pure and simple. My ex-wife tried to coach. She used to have a line on her marketing website that said something like "let me share my passion with you." Don't know if that's still there. Not someone I'd go to in a medical emergency. Or in a clinical mental health crisis. Ironic...

Doing the dirty dance Trump-style

OK, dude:  You've stacked the supreme court with morons who have protected sitting presidents—well, specifically you--from litigation.   And now you want to charge Obama for treason in 2016?   You are a disgusting piece of shit, Donald.  I hope you never sleep at night for the rest of your life.  I can't imagine anyone who deserves to be alone, staring at the ceiling in the dark, more than you do.  

Missing emails

I emailed my ex for password information on an account that is still under her email. She replied three days later and apologized saying she was traveling and hadn't looked at email currently. Gormless. She hasn't replied to email timely in three years once. She hasn't replied to a text from me at all in over 2 years. Not a single one. Clueless about the insulting and hurtful impact of her behaviors. Reminder how much better my current life is when I don't have any contact with anything to do with my past during with my ex. Live your new life David. Take responsibility for now. Look back only when joy reminds you of a past moment. Enjoy those good memories for yourself. You deserve them, unspoiled.

Haunted by a ghost

Or a ghoul—an envious bitter damaged baby. I do not respect her. I hope things go poorly for her. Now I have a roommate. Awkward. Not worth the trouble sone days. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be with others. I don't want the responsibility of love or romance. I don't even really want friendship. Whoever invented this human situation is no friend of mine. Darwin explained why. If I hypothesize a god, that being is even more parsimonious and damaged than my ex-wife. I respect no god. Beauty is as beauty does. Both are ugly and barren. I want my cat. Where is he? Where is my tentative friend?

Caught in amber

I live in a wonderful home in the mountains of California. I enjoy coming home from my activities, and treasure the beauty of the internal architecture. As I type I'm watching the just-past-full Buck moon. It floats in the center of a window like an optical scanner. Paradox: this is also my prison. I have never felt as lonely. I have never been less certain of why I am here. I do not trust my relationship with others and even my new cat struggles to understand how to bring me into his consciousness. I can't keep his gender straight when I use terms of endearment. I don't sense improvement anywhere. My favorite activities are small scale home improvement projects—hanging art, upgrading bathroom fixtures. If we desire purposeful lives, I don't think this is what's intended. It seems instead to be a guided tour of slapdash efforts to control my small environment. Outside, where foul men exist, is simply too soul-destroying. I cannot possibly share...

One becomes nothing

My experience of love was as a partnership unit so strong that my vision and understanding as an individual disappeared. Losing love was a surgical separation that left me without my heart, soul, and mind. My partnership destroyed me, and left me without myself. I am small, hurt, and afraid. I miss myself more than I miss my ex. So now I'm 70 and starting from scratch. It's a small life. Like my dad and my grandfather. I recall grander times. My dad tried to make the best of this period in his life but died of boredom and a bad diet. My grandfather died of drink perhaps—and yes a terrible diet. I may not die for awhile but I recall who I was and miss me. I will ultimately die alone as a direct result of being cut in half. My previous self was inhabited by a narcissist and a sociopath, but you can't see that from inside love. Only when cleaning up the blood in the operating theater.

Knocked off my rocker

I still like to dance with energy, and move through my world. I hate Trump and his ICE thugs. I always err on the side of kindness if possible. I value companionship and listen as carefully as possible, and always wish I did better. I'm a romantic at heart but I'm alone. I've had my heart broken for the first time at a relatively late age, though resilience in the face of adversity compounded the damage. In other words, when I fell, I could not get up. I still struggle to get to my knees, and I'm uncertain for many steps when I am first on my feet. I still consider my ex to be my greatest trauma and biggest failure, even though I survived her narcissism for decades longer than anyone in her life. I ended up in the same junk pile as others she hurt in the end; dumped, blamed and ghosted. This is the pattern with gaslighters—avoidance of shame, guilt and responsibility will be Mina's final edict and absolution. I believe I am a survivor of a toxic, abu...

The old self-hate showed up at 3:40 this morning

I think I forgot to take my anti-depressant yesterday. Then I had two small glasses of red wine with dinner. My friend is back. The one who says "you're such an asshole David." Unconnected to anything, which is unusual. Maybe the stress of moving? I'm not conscious of having disappointed anyone or failed to follow through on anything. The usual sources of harsh self-critical thought. What is he trying to warn me of?

You can escape your past ignorance, Don

Hey moron…   So, now you're acting as if you're an independent power broker with Iran and Israel.  Don't hurt yourself doing gymnastics and posturing.   What a tool you are, Donald Trump.   Europe has been meeting with the combatants.  They specifically excluded you Don, since you can't be trusted and you suck all the air out of the room. This war was caused by you, in 2018.  We had the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action through which Iran agreed to avoid nuclear development in return for Israel's agreement to stop attacking and invading.  You complained back then that Iran cheated…but remained stupidly silent on the fact that Israel assassinated Iranians and others on Iranian soil and continued covert warfare the whole time.  Anyway, Israel got the message that it could keep doing whatever it wanted, and you were too stupid to notice. No military leader in this country who isn't a character in Dr. Strangelove (Pete Hegadeath?)...

I bought myself a new house

The old one will sell this year. In the meantime, I have a room of my own—far more than I need to be honest. I'm proud of every one! I'm happy in every space. There's a fire pit in the back yard and I want to use it. I have Sonos speakers and a printer connected to my network, called Sublime. I might not change those for a long time. I knew a woman who is an inauthentic piece of trash.  The opposite of my mom and the opposite of the other important women in my life. Deep trash. Dumpster.  So nice to let my truth flow. I own my hatred.  I awake full to the brim.  This is who I am.   Angry. Hurt. Existentially alone. 

2,522,383

That's what the sale of my beautiful and loved home on Riverside Drive in Manhattan was worth to my ex-wife. Proves the point that love and beauty have no value that correlates with currency (maybe bitcoin, though that seems unlikely?). I loved my ex and I loved my home. Poof. Onward through this cruel cold world, never to be seen again. 652,480. That's how my love paid out on long odds.

On a scale of 1 to 10, can sadness heal?

 No. Being sad hurts, and good people try to offer aid  to a degree that doesn’t ruin their own lives or negate them   Sadness is narcissistic   Shame, guilt and grieving can. These are states of pain and terror.  These emotions are about seeing the ashes and knowing yours are mixed with those in the nameless pit.  That you didn’t feel a thing until you, yourself, began to burn.   Let’s all hear of your shame and your guilt and your grief.  Speak White!   Cat got your tongue?  Not surprising to find you mute when health, healing, and joy are possible. Healing emotions start at 15…not placating 6.  

Carnivores’ semen tastes bad

 I’ve been told this by past girlfriends.  Coffee doesn’t help. Pineapple does.  Employees of ICE:  don’t force women to give you blowjobs, as you have.  You need to fix yourself first.  Your semen stinks.  While you’re fixing this disgusting fact about yourself that no facemask can hide—stop procreating.  Can you image a kid looking up at you next Father’s Day—or earlier this morning—and seeing someone who does what you do for a living?   Who sees the sweat and blood and urine and shit and tears of the dead before the laundry man comes. Please keep your dementia to yourself until you are gone.  Nice job in LA by the way.  Stay in Orange County with your marine friends, who also have semen problems, though up until now not from killing white men like you on US soil. 

Returning to Mt Rose

I hiked toward Mt Rose this morning for the first time in four years. I did not aspire to the pinnacle, where I've been dozens of times. I hiked to the waterfalls and back. The gentle Sierra hike was fraught. I am not the same person I was on my previous hailstone-pinged trail run/walk. People I have met since then have already left my life. I had not met my cat Ceci then, and her life has already ended as a meal for a nasty coyote pup. I had not re-met Diana, my off and on roommate during the darkest days of my soul. I was strongish and confident that happiness would be mine for many more years. Now I am weaker, uncertain of my place and my purpose, and often overcome by clinical depression. You could say I am a shadow of that former self, and I would not say anything in response. I would listen to you hoping to understand who I have become. At the center of the transformation of course is the tawdry and cheap dissolution of my disabled and gaslighted marriage. The damage of...

The Minnesota murderer was a church-goin’ fella

Not to stereotype but the loser who shot the state reps 29 hours ago, apparently because he thought pro-choice advocates were satanical, goes to some whackadoodle Revelation-based crackpot church.  Why isn’t the fraudulent minister who tended to this violent flock defrocked and in custody? Anyone who reads Revelation should be deported. It’s a stupid meaningless poem. I’ve never read a worse one   Ye hypocrites. We hold ayatollahs accountable when they advise jihad. We put targets on their back. It takes a religious moron—a fundamentalist minister in Minnesota for instance—to stir up a sick bitter abusive mind.  It would take a true leader to get murderers to stand down. Trump loves these guys. He’s super happy that local, state,  and federal Democrats are afraid to open their front door.  Like Trump, so does your plain-vanilla Christian minister.  He loves you when you spill blood on the sidewalks, brother. Love thy assassinated brother. You are all sick f...

Short reflections on my disastrous marriagr

 I see empty barren fields where no gratitude grew. Only disappointment.  I see myself ignored by passing trucks, unable to hitch a ride to anywhere I wanted to be.  I see a dead weight on the other side of the bed from me night after night.  I see a funeral for my endless capacity for love and happiness…and then the final incineration before I became the ashes I am today.   Horrid demons circling a toxic waste dump  Mina—don’t hurt too many others as you walk yourself home.  I cared for you but all I have for my efforts is disappointment and heartache, and looking back I see nothing but a legacy of emotional stinginess and gaslighting You presented an image of yourself that I don’t think even you liked, and that everyone could see through—but for whatever reason you maintained in lieu of authenticity  honesty  generosity, connection, or love.  You sold your good self to your own illusion, leaving nothing kind for me.  Your spiritua...

Insults for ICE

I'm designing a bumper sticker or decal for my Audi. My goal is to express my disrespect.  Here are a couple of the things I'm considering.  Let me know your preferences, or a better alternative.   ICE:   Go home now! ICE: Does your mother know what you do for a living?  Is she ashamed of you? ICE: You are not respected or welcome in my town ICE: Go back to wrecking your own home, and leave mine alone. ICE: You are following the orders of a moron.  Think for yourself for once. ICE: That's not my flag on your underwear ICE: how do you sleep at night?   ICE:  Deport Yourself Now.    Hey, these are all great. What a bunch of feckless losers to take a job destroying families and lives.  And the ICE outfits are so stupid looking—never take a job where you need a gun and the name of your employer on your back and a face mask so you can’t be identified by your victims    

If you work for ICE, you should be ashamed

  Dear ICE employee:  I do not respect you.  I do not anywhere near my loved ones.  I want you to return to your home town and ruin lives there if you can't control yourselves.  Go home.  No one wants to meet you.   Meanwhile, here's the Nation's assessment of your ethnic cleansing mission:   Not surprisingly, Trump's ethnic cleansing campaign has many people fearful and uncertain of what to do. Fortunately, there are many immigrant rights, civil rights and faith organizations providing " know your rights " training for people and providing as much legal support as they can, while rapid-response networks are expanding to mobilize people to come to the sites of ICE raids to provide witness and support for those under attack. But this racist campaign has sparked the growth of a broad and diverse resistance movement working to end the military assault on their communities by armored personnel vehicles, helicopters, and mask...

ICE: you are hated, disrespected, and not welcome in my country

 If you took this job, look deep into your shame.  Just saying. Go home and wreck your own family. Not mine.  You will walk to your grave alone when your time is done. 

Divorce: a trauma report from the site of the explosion

So, my divorce wrecked my credit rating. I've never missed a payment in over 40 years. My income is extensive and secure. I have a relatively high net worth. I've paid all my divorce obligations. I assume it's because my ex liked hurting me. It supported her preferred narrative that I'm a deadbeat asshole. She will never deny that she didn't act with the sole intent of doing harm, so that's what I'm left with after 30 years. A soulless idiot who fights like a four year old. And has similar communication skills and temper tantrums and emotional intelligence. You succeeded. You fucked ne over and wrecked my life. Nice work Mina. Party on jackass. How's your partnership game going? Disgusting.  You don't understand, and can't comprehend the hatred you leave behind you.  You are truly the worst person I've ever known well.  Name a category where you don't fall short.  I'm all ears... Behold the daily venom of your continued wort...

We still have a colorful country, but we have a monochrome government

Democrat or Republican or intelligent, our government has one color--and it's the palette of the tanks parading in Washington or the federalized troops descending on Hispanic neighborhoods. It's the color of guns and large munitions and helmets.  The color of faceprint.  The color of militarization. That's the US. I hate that color and everything it represents.  And it makes me so sad to look out and see nothing but warriors.  Anti-depressants to not improve the look of military fatigues and a spent nation.   Unlike the pride parade, we are not proud.  We are not human.  We are not sexy.  We are mechanized killers.  Maybe we get a red pickup truck to liven our days, but the swivel machine gun in the back brings us back to drab.  It shows the black in our hearts. Shame on us.   Shame on our allies who intercept aid boats and send their own drones into the towns and cities and farms of the citizens.   Shame on you for laughing at...

Learning to love my best friend

Ok, full disclosure. My new best friend is a kitten named Tico. I'm not doing so well with humans these days. I want Tico to determine what he wants and needs as much as possible. I hope to be his ally, providing the centering tendency and safety he needs to face his world with happiness and curiosity. My previous cat Ceci was killed by a coyote six weeks ago. I worry that I'm not good enough now to be Tico's trusted companion. I'm not worthy, as Mike Meyers would say. (The US will get a lot more humor from Mike once we become the 11th province, or the 5th territory, of Canada. Go Habs. Fuck Trump and his voters.) In the meantime, Tico, I look forward to every moment with you. You are truly the joy of my days and my life. Thank you for what you've given me already in our short time together. I want to be better for you, sweet new friend. Partner?

Feeling sad for baby Donald and Elon

It must be really hard for both of you, having to confront, once again, your own inabilities to form appropriate connections with anyone. And then, having sustained the loss of yet another potential source of love and resoect, to find yourself in that same old familiar spot: alone, and posturing. How many times have you both snarked at the world "I never liked you anyway!"? And then snuck a side glance at your text messages to see if there was anything new from the only source that matters. "Not me! I didn't look! See? My iPhone is silenced!" How brutal the vicissitudes of romance! How undependable the brittle strands of new love. How sad, the empty solace of yet another tragic failure. Will this loneliness never end? "Mommy and Daddy—you owe me. You were terrible love coaches. I still don't know how," sobbed Donald. Either does black-eyed Elon!

O’Hare is for losers

Here's a new one: The taxi to and from the runway at Ohare is always abusive. 20 minutes at a minimum each way and frequently significantly longer. It deserves worst airport ratings. I'm on a United flight now. The taxi out was so long the brakes overheated before we got to the takeoff stand. We just sat for 24 minutes while the brakes cooled to regulated temperatures. That's the TAXI!

Four horses of the apocalypse

The Four horses are depression, sadness, anxiety and grief. Their hooves thunder across the arid tundra that is constructed of loneliness. There are cracks and tiny isolated blooms emerge. See the orange petals there. That's excitement. The yellow tendril there? Happiness.

Musk failed at DOGE. Why do investors think his “return” to controlling military communication and cars is good for Tesla

He's a bore and a pig and makes mistakes twice a year that destroy hundreds of billions of dollars of value. The only reason he's not bankrupt is that he has so much cash this psychopathic behavior is buffered. He has no emotional or business maturity. He tried to wreck the federal government and he couldn't do that. The military budget went up more than the cuts he claims he made. Tesla investors: unless you regularly have dinner with this turd, why do you want him back? Volatility is not a measure of value. It's a measure of risk. (Unless you're an inside trader.). If you make money off Tesla stock, you are unlikely to have meaningful friendships. You're a prostitute and not much more. My humble opinion of you. You and your buddies. I will never meet any of you. Trump amazes me.  He destroyed Giuliani—something the five Families couldn’t do. He threw Musk out.  He’s a stupid slimy pig, but he’s apparently good at mob leadership. Musk probably h...

I owned a lake in Vermont

 My ex-wife pissed on it. We left.   I used to dance. My ex got bored.  I used to be musical. Playing in a soundproof room.  I used to do cocaine alone. To “feel good about myself.” I once was proud.  Ha.  I was sexual before this time. . 

Expansive

Maybe I can grow again. More space. More plants. Less time with humans who are unidimensional. More psychedelics for learning and growing. Maybe. Simpler life fewer assets. Learn to take baths again. Buy a pellet gun to shoot coyotes. I hate them since one killed my cat. Making Mina learn what she fucked up and fucked over. Dying compromised, like me. Aware of her damage.

I have no love in my life

How did that happen? I loved so many dearly. People and animals. Now I have some activities and I try to behave. I don't know why. The interactions are not offering meaningful benefits. So strange to be completely isolated now. Perhaps I always was and never noticed? At least since my parents died. I need so much!

The game that defined everything that was wrong with my marriage

That's an easy one: ping pong. Table tennis. We played a lot. During ski season pre-dinner ping pong was a great tradition. And we were well matched. Over hundreds of games I'm guessing pretty close to 50/50 win-loss results. The matches, including long fun rallies, fell into three general patterns. 1. My ex would get ahead early, 2. We'd switch leads several times and often end up in long "win by two" duals 3. I would get ahead early. In the first two categories, we had fun. The third category was a disaster and I dreaded it. My ex would give up. She'd swing carelessly and drop her hands. Her serves would become random. Her face showed how unhappy she was. I'd react by getting sloppy and often a game would go from say 10-2 to 18-18. I usually won because I'd be frustrated by her lack of sportsmanship and would fight back at the end. How unfair. The lesson in table tennis was the same as in our entire marriage: ...

The myth of healing

I had Mohs surgery three years ago on a small pre-cancerous spot on my leg. The procedure is intended to minimize scarring. It’s minor, and likely heads off much larger problems. Nonetheless, I still have a purple stain on my leg there which never diminishes.  Similarly, the actions of a dysfunctional marriage caused  the full range of PTSD symptoms.  Shock. Mood swings.  Hopelessness. Anger. My exwife compounded the problem by her own illnesses—specifically she ghosted, blamed and gaslighted me.  To this day, when I think of her, one or more of the symptoms roars into center stage and I am unable to function. I will never be able to form a trusting love relationship again.  It’s 4:04 in the morning and I am angry. I want to tell her how evil she is and instead I just have to send her interest on settlement balances. Talk about money for nothing.  Narcissists rarely receive Florence Nightingale awards, and my ex shouldn’t wait for any caregiver of the ...

The capacity for excitement

 Depression has exacerbated my behavior of leading with empathy. Sick dog?  I cry with you.   It’s crushed excitement.  Hardly an option. I bought a new house for myself this week. Hi-hum. I’ll still be the same depressed guy.  That doesn’t seem fair!  I liked that part of myself. I was always the guy who drove around town to get my soccer team out of bed before a match.  Yes, I liked excitement. Striving for improvement. I thought “Flow” was a meaningful book when I read it. Sexual excitement—so empowering and energizing and happy (except with my ex(.  Business meetings to discuss joint IP!  Partnerships of all stripes. Reaching the top of a new peak. Looking forward to the next trip.  A new pet.  Thrilling—as was living every pet I’ve known.  Then I met my ex. She melted down if I was excited about anything other than keeping her on a pedestal. 

Why is it hard to start over?

Here's what ChatGPT has to say on that subject: That's a deep and honest question—one that many people wrestle with. What holds someone back from starting their life over can vary, but here are some common factors to reflect on: Fear of the Unknown Starting over means stepping into uncertainty. It's natural to fear what you can't predict—new environments, people, jobs, or even a new version of yourself. Comfort in Familiar Pain Sometimes, even if your current situation is unfulfilling, it's familiar. That familiarity can feel safer than the risk of failing or being disappointed again. Responsibility and Obligations You might have ties—family, financial commitments, a career path—that make the idea of starting fresh seem impossible or selfish. Internalized Doubt Many people carry a quiet, persistent voice that says, "I can't," or "I don't deserve better." These limiting beliefs often trace back to past ...

Vance and Plouffe question Biden's fitness as past president

Of course they do.  These people have spent their entire careers blaming others for their own ineptitude.    Carrion feeders. Disgusting.  The guy is dying.  I think people like Vance and the morons who keep the Democratic Party gutless are the proximate cause.   Ever kick a sick dog, you two creeps? I’m sure this isn’t the first time.    

Sigh. Nothing to be proud of

I was proud of my marriage. Of my NYC home. Of my NYC friends. Of my career. Of my pets! Of what I read and the movies I loved and the uniqueness of my thoughts. Of my athleticism. Of my parents. Hubris… All gone. I feel strongly.  I know grieving. And remorse. And shame. And the decay of my body and mind.   I doubt my ex has any of those parts.  I know she doesn’t think I deserve affection, kindness, respect, care, or the time of day.  I don’t think people who run from others in need deserve respect. Nor do those who laugh at—or ignore—the pain they cause others. The gaslighters. Those whose realities change to align with their Facebook selves.  I talked to my brother last night. His brain is disappearing. He barely can form words and they don’t link. It doesn’t matter. He’s my brother and we don’t need words. His pieces say more than all the false babble and meaningless chatter of my marriage. He’s lost in the static of injury, over prescribed drugs, and t...

Some days are better but not by much.

I am living in hell. Coyotes won't let me outdoors. My roommate is sick all the time. I had bad friends and my life partner was a vampire.no one can understand the unique terror of living with a woman who cannot experience shame or guilt or grieving. For the record, my anger is the only thing that kept me alive.  (No one understands this other than me. I was alone in a universe of gaslighting.) Pretty amazing I'm still here.  Waking up, trying to get dressed,rarely making headway on any projects. I send a check once a month to an ex who hasn’t treated me like a human I 3 fucking years, and likely much longer.  I resent her money for nothing greed.   I'm having trouble with alcohol. I say 'don't drink tonight" and then I do anyway. And I don't really care. Definitely numbs the pain and the loneliness but it doesn't stop the crying. The last thing I love was stolen from me. I don’t have the capacity for new love because I hurt so much. I got a new ...

What are OpenAi’s major sources of revenue

It's a $4B company.   OpenAI generates revenue through several key channels, with a significant portion stemming from its ChatGPT offerings and API services. Here's a breakdown of its major income sources: 1.  ChatGPT Subscriptions (Approximately 76% of Revenue) OpenAI's primary revenue stream comes from its ChatGPT subscription services: ChatGPT Plus: Priced at $20 per month, this tier accounts for about 55% of OpenAI's total revenue, translating to approximately $1.9 billion annually.   ChatGPT Enterprise: Targeting large organizations, this plan contributes around 21% of the company's revenue.   ChatGPT Team: Designed for small to medium-sized teams, this offering adds about 8% to OpenAI's revenue.   Collectively, these subscription models provide OpenAI with a stable and recurring income stream. 2.  API and Developer Access (Approximately 15% of Revenue) OpenAI of...

First of all, you suck as a business person

You stole what you have, Don. That's what it's called when you stiff your suppliers, shake down your customers, and lie to the tax authorities. Imagine how much your employees disrespect you. Of course, you hire such rudderless fools. Look at your cabinet Don. Tell me YOU respect a single one. You'll fire them all within six months again. On to another topic, but related. My ex-wife. What a piece of work. I know what it's like to watch someone who is terrified of not being the center of attention. The gaslighting. The disdain for friends and family. The seething resentment when someone succeeds. The inability to recall anything prior to, or after, your last meal. You are morally and physically flaccid. Both of you. You are sacrificing your health in the pursuit of hurting as many people as you can. Daddy issues Don. Daddy issues, Beth.

Morons believe tariffs are effective

Trump's "negotiations" aren't victories.  They're humiliating capitulations resulting from self-destructive tactics. Here are two "justifications" for anti-trade tariffs. People who are dumb enough to vote for Trump believe this kind of silliness, as I'll explain in two sentences after this summary:  Reduce U.S. trade deficit:   The trade deficit stood at $122.6 billion in February 2025, with exports of $278.5 billion and imports of $401.1 billion. The non-baseline tariff rates were calculated based on a country-by-country trade deficit, attempting to fill in gaps on an individual country basis. The 10% baseline tariff applies to all countries, regardless of their trade deficit, even for countries with a trade surplus, such as Australia. Collect U.S. tax revenues and reduce the U.S. budget deficit:  The tariffs aim to collect tax revenues and reduce the U.S. budget deficit, which stood at $1.83 trillion in 2024. Estimated a...

Remembering one of my favorite plays of all time—Big Love

"Big Love" is a play by American playwright Charles L. Mee, first produced in 2000. It is a modern adaptation of Aeschylus's ancient Greek play "The Suppliants" (also known as "The Suppliant Maidens"). The narrative centers on fifty sisters who flee Greece to escape forced marriages to their fifty cousins. Seeking asylum, they arrive at an Italian villa, hoping for protection. However, their suitors pursue them, leading to a dramatic confrontation. Ultimately, forty-nine of the brides murder their respective grooms on the wedding night, while one bride, Lydia, chooses love over violence and marries her cousin, Nikos.

A reminder to anyone who grieves the loss of their mother

She's with you always, in the moonlight and when you touch the earth.   "When my mother died…" by Thich Nhat Hanh   "The day my mother died I wrote in my journal, "A serious misfortune of my life has arrived." I suffered for more than one year after the passing away of my mother. But one night, in the highlands of Vietnam, I was sleeping in the hut in my hermitage. I dreamed of my mother. I saw myself sitting with her, and we were having a wonderful talk. She looked young and beautiful, her hair flowing down. It was so pleasant to sit there and talk to her as if she had never died. When I woke up it was about two in the morning, and I felt very strongly that I had never lost my mother. The impression that my mother was still with me was very clear. I understood then that the idea of having lost my mother was just an idea. It was obvious in that moment that my mother is always alive in me.   I opened the door and went outside. The entire ...