Today and what to make of it

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I worry more each day for myself, and now I have complete freedom to make of each day whatever I can. 

 

I don't know what I want.  I don't know what to do.  I am lost, and my dreams are of my family turning against me.

 

I don't have any family except my beloved brother Glenn.  I am such a bad brother because I don't love myself. 

 

Writing to this journal is my moment of peace.   I feel better after therapy sessions…where I get approval even for this.  For the me I live inside now.  The small withdrawn shell of previous episodes of me.

 

Zoom calls are too much.

 

Completing projects is too much.

 

I have a business trip Monday.  I'll never get packed and don't care if I find my passport.

 

Love is too much.  Sex is appalling.  These are activities that have caused me more pain than joy and I'll do anything to avoid more pain.

 

This is me on anti-depressants.  Imagine me without…no, wait, don't imagine that.

 

I am achieving the smallness I invented to avoid wrath.  I have become my own protective mechanism.  Now I see that there is nothing else.  A small scared shell of a man, hunkered down and fearing the future and the worst.  Paralyzed by the present.  Without a past now…it's all lost to me.

 

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