Why was I traumatized by my divorce?

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Good question. I've invested $140,000 in therapy and treatments to try to figure that out. I have some hypotheses but one problem with PTSD is that you no longer trust your ability to believe your own answers.

So here's a hypothesis: my parents were an inseparable unit. My brother and I were part of a three element constellation…him, me, and our parents.

I saw my ex similarly. In many ways I thought we were unitary. One common heart and a shared mind. Endless discussions about our daily shared experience.

I lost sight of her, and definitely lost sight of myself as an individual. And that seemed like heaven and the way love was supposed to be.

This, it turned out, had almost nothing to do with my ex-wife's perspective. We were so at odds that I honestly could not hear what I now understand was nearly constant dissatisfaction with me. Daily complaints and belittlement…none of which I noticed.

I'm sorry for being such a complete dolt!

Anyway, now I understand some of her frustration and disappointment. Unfortunately, since I thought we were "one," I experienced a lobotomy, and lost half my heart, one of my lungs, an arm and a leg, half my other organs, and my identity.

In 24 hours. January 2012.

I hope to stop hopping in circles eventually. Do limbs grow back? Does a broken heart keep beating?

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