Notes from a friend about narcissists and my own despicable monster
Here's a description from a friend. One of my few left. Hard to read. Wish anti-depressants worked better and gave me a lift through some of these slides.
"…you loved her and you thought she loved you, despite the fact that you had "small" issues in your day to day life. What's devastating is that you keep going over what you could have done, what you should have been for her not to be who she is. There was nothing you could have done. It continues to be hard to believe that you were with someone who can ACTUALLY live in her own reality without regard for her partner in life. But as long as Mina got what she wanted she could convince herself her life was okay. David, who you are, your values, your generosity, kindness, priorities, character don't need to change going forward in any other friendship or relationship! You unfortunately were married to a very creative narcissist! Willing to wait it out until the time was right to test what you would tolerate. What Mina wanted and now has is financial independence. Also personal independence—to do what she wanted including sexual freedom with whom, whenever, however. Marriage got her the financial part but "loving" one person, is not in her DNA. Your life together was perfect for her idea of marriage—you trusted her, supported all her efforts to be a star, traveled a lot, went along with all her friends. But when she sensed you wouldn't go along with "anything " it was over. Chances are she'd been thinking about it (aging probably—less time to become a star) and had put in enough time on a marriage that would net her enough money to achieve her "goal", play at being successful, without working full time. How really conscious this all was only she knows, but certainly it had become conscious—maybe when she turned 50."
I still can't believe my ex could be this evil. Not that she wasn't clear. And years later she just wants me to disappear. Well not yet. I still owe her $4.4 million. I doubt she'll entirely forget me. I hate my bank but I go there sometimes. Mina hates me in the same way. No evidence of love for me or anyone else. In decades. Probably never. Ouch. I am in so much pain being her trash. Doesn't matter that she's sewage. I still loved her. And can't accept, as I've said, that she's this venal. This hollow. This much of a failure. Someone who if I didn't know her I would find despicable.
"…you loved her and you thought she loved you, despite the fact that you had "small" issues in your day to day life. What's devastating is that you keep going over what you could have done, what you should have been for her not to be who she is. There was nothing you could have done. It continues to be hard to believe that you were with someone who can ACTUALLY live in her own reality without regard for her partner in life. But as long as Mina got what she wanted she could convince herself her life was okay. David, who you are, your values, your generosity, kindness, priorities, character don't need to change going forward in any other friendship or relationship! You unfortunately were married to a very creative narcissist! Willing to wait it out until the time was right to test what you would tolerate. What Mina wanted and now has is financial independence. Also personal independence—to do what she wanted including sexual freedom with whom, whenever, however. Marriage got her the financial part but "loving" one person, is not in her DNA. Your life together was perfect for her idea of marriage—you trusted her, supported all her efforts to be a star, traveled a lot, went along with all her friends. But when she sensed you wouldn't go along with "anything " it was over. Chances are she'd been thinking about it (aging probably—less time to become a star) and had put in enough time on a marriage that would net her enough money to achieve her "goal", play at being successful, without working full time. How really conscious this all was only she knows, but certainly it had become conscious—maybe when she turned 50."
I still can't believe my ex could be this evil. Not that she wasn't clear. And years later she just wants me to disappear. Well not yet. I still owe her $4.4 million. I doubt she'll entirely forget me. I hate my bank but I go there sometimes. Mina hates me in the same way. No evidence of love for me or anyone else. In decades. Probably never. Ouch. I am in so much pain being her trash. Doesn't matter that she's sewage. I still loved her. And can't accept, as I've said, that she's this venal. This hollow. This much of a failure. Someone who if I didn't know her I would find despicable.
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