Did I waste my life on a bad partner?
Now that the honeymoon never started and out whole history together has turned to rotten spoiled fruit, I wonder if my life was wasted.
I had so many other points of happiness but I created them around a hub. That hub was my wife.
Financial security, both together and after I died—I worked hard to provide that. Now that I know her penchant for non-disclosed financial transactions I know she took this as a threat…my success highlighted her endless failures perhaps so even though she alone managed our family checkbook, she felt cheated. I don't really know. What I do know is that if cash was left laying around, it disappeared. She resented the gratuities (and implied praise) I offered others, which she righteously believed was all hers. When she paid for schooling for her nieces and nephews, which I energetically enjoyed and supported, she furtively hid the payments, did not tell me—and I never got invited to a single college graduation we jointly paid for.
I assume you are cheap and frightened? We had plenty, and you would have owned all of it if you hadn't habitually moved out, dreadfully in 2012, and then sloppily in 2022 and 2023.
I suspect my life was wasted not because of my ex-wife's financial parsimony, however. Rather, even if she lifted a few US dollars without sharing, she is emotionally cheap. I observed as the put herself at the center of bad-faith interpersonal dealings over and over again, spreading bile with 100% certainty that her trumped up hallucinations about others entitled her to be spiteful and, more often than not, violently cruel.
I tolerated this. More accurately, I internalized my disappointment and anger as I watched her create enemies who liked her, but switched to enemies once they experienced the contortions she'd construct to blame them eternally and exclusively. Narcissists don't waste time with shame. Why would they?
I enabled, loved, cared for, and generally supported a sociopath.
This is why I am ashamed. This is why I often hate myself. This is why I live alone with my dear cat. This is why I can't depend on myself to reach out to others for the love I so dearly crave.
It's worse than wasting my life. I believe I aided and abetted a masochist. Fortunately, I failed at being an effective accomplice, too. Imagine the damage my ex-would have done if I'd effectively buttressed her lack of talent and emotional intelligence.
She treated Hershel the same way she treated me. The most important battle my ex fought was to crush anything better than what she is. She succeeded, crushing herself first and foremost. Living cynically, usurping what she could from others and then slamming the ghosting door when they saw her horrid judgement descend on them like a noxious oder. Me, her husband and best friend, a close second.
I failed. I am a lonely failure. My ex is 58 and hasn't let herself succeed, not even once. She continues to never notice the trauma her failures cause others who expect a hearing, seeing human being and get my ex-wife instead.
I had so many other points of happiness but I created them around a hub. That hub was my wife.
Financial security, both together and after I died—I worked hard to provide that. Now that I know her penchant for non-disclosed financial transactions I know she took this as a threat…my success highlighted her endless failures perhaps so even though she alone managed our family checkbook, she felt cheated. I don't really know. What I do know is that if cash was left laying around, it disappeared. She resented the gratuities (and implied praise) I offered others, which she righteously believed was all hers. When she paid for schooling for her nieces and nephews, which I energetically enjoyed and supported, she furtively hid the payments, did not tell me—and I never got invited to a single college graduation we jointly paid for.
I assume you are cheap and frightened? We had plenty, and you would have owned all of it if you hadn't habitually moved out, dreadfully in 2012, and then sloppily in 2022 and 2023.
I suspect my life was wasted not because of my ex-wife's financial parsimony, however. Rather, even if she lifted a few US dollars without sharing, she is emotionally cheap. I observed as the put herself at the center of bad-faith interpersonal dealings over and over again, spreading bile with 100% certainty that her trumped up hallucinations about others entitled her to be spiteful and, more often than not, violently cruel.
I tolerated this. More accurately, I internalized my disappointment and anger as I watched her create enemies who liked her, but switched to enemies once they experienced the contortions she'd construct to blame them eternally and exclusively. Narcissists don't waste time with shame. Why would they?
I enabled, loved, cared for, and generally supported a sociopath.
This is why I am ashamed. This is why I often hate myself. This is why I live alone with my dear cat. This is why I can't depend on myself to reach out to others for the love I so dearly crave.
It's worse than wasting my life. I believe I aided and abetted a masochist. Fortunately, I failed at being an effective accomplice, too. Imagine the damage my ex-would have done if I'd effectively buttressed her lack of talent and emotional intelligence.
She treated Hershel the same way she treated me. The most important battle my ex fought was to crush anything better than what she is. She succeeded, crushing herself first and foremost. Living cynically, usurping what she could from others and then slamming the ghosting door when they saw her horrid judgement descend on them like a noxious oder. Me, her husband and best friend, a close second.
I failed. I am a lonely failure. My ex is 58 and hasn't let herself succeed, not even once. She continues to never notice the trauma her failures cause others who expect a hearing, seeing human being and get my ex-wife instead.
Comments
Post a Comment