Never seeing my family again

I will never see my family again.

Why?  Because my ex-wife blackballed me. These people who loved me haven’t reached out in years. Not a one. A niece is in college  Who cares.  She’ll never meet me again and I hate to think what she thinks of me, once your war machine ground to a rusty halt. .

Nice job. Are you happy now, Beth?  Get what you want?  I bet you did. 

I didn’t. I didn’t get anything I wanted from you. You could not have caused more damage, instigated more pain, nor betrayed a larger trust.   You are a mobster in a land of egotists. 

Today is such a bad day again. I helped a few friends but cannot help myself. I offered kindness and respect even though I’m incapable of receiving these things I lack in return.   I have big caretaking responsibilities coming up but no space or support for my wounded soul during this tough week. I am alone with no safety net and I can barely move.  

When will the pain and sadness subside, my dear friend?  When will I be free?  To sit on this couch and never have to move again, unless the spirit calls to me alone. 

I will always be alone because of you Beth. Get betrayed as much as I was by you and see how you do with meaningful sustained love or friendship. I am broken by your violence and envy and hatred. 

I never anticipated being a lonely old depressed man. That role is a cliche that my final act of hubris convinced me I would easily enjoy due to the love of a good loyal caring partner. Little else mattered, so I didn’t notice that I experienced no loyalty, kindness, or care.  Then when I crashed to the earth, supine and terribly bruised, I became broken. I am broken now.  I do not see a path or a cage door or a stile or a rural byway to start the trip toward the light. There is no gate.  I cannot see the top of the chain link fence.