A slight remission, appreciated
Temporary or not? I don't know but the sea of self-loathing I've been living in the last many years seems a bit lighter tonight.
I feel foggy otherwise. I'm supposed to go skiing tomorrow with some new friends and the system for getting passes seems intimidating. Never mind trying to find my clothes and skis. I've skied forever. I don't know if I can get myself there.
But that also feels understandable. My poor brain has been in both a boxing and a wrestling match with itself. I'm mentally and emotionally bruised, and I anticipate that my stress and anxiety has caused neurological damage.
Realizing that the mob heist we're watching from the Trump mafia is not my fault, and that the stress of moving out of my own home is not my fault—these things may be helping a little bit? A little relief? I still don't feel anything from the Zoloft—in fact I think I forgot to take my 50 mg yesterday? Not sure.
Realizing that I never pleased my narcissistic wife and that she is truly not my responsibility after decades of hostility may also be helping. This is a person who acts one way when there's a third party in the room and another way when it used to be just the two of us.
I need to remember to do a power of attorney. It will make me barf 🤢 to see that cruel witch at a real estate closing she caused against my best interests. She spent more energy trashing me than helping or loving me. For decades. And I'm almost done with her (I still owe her $925,000 and $3800 a month in interest for years to come—she's not employable and can't support herself and her health has failed.). And she owes me so much but I wrote those due bills off so long ago I can't remember what authentic love feels like.
Love and skiing.I forget how to do these things that were as familiar as tying my shoes! Maybe I'll forget how to hate myself too, soon. That would be wonderful.
I feel foggy otherwise. I'm supposed to go skiing tomorrow with some new friends and the system for getting passes seems intimidating. Never mind trying to find my clothes and skis. I've skied forever. I don't know if I can get myself there.
But that also feels understandable. My poor brain has been in both a boxing and a wrestling match with itself. I'm mentally and emotionally bruised, and I anticipate that my stress and anxiety has caused neurological damage.
Realizing that the mob heist we're watching from the Trump mafia is not my fault, and that the stress of moving out of my own home is not my fault—these things may be helping a little bit? A little relief? I still don't feel anything from the Zoloft—in fact I think I forgot to take my 50 mg yesterday? Not sure.
Realizing that I never pleased my narcissistic wife and that she is truly not my responsibility after decades of hostility may also be helping. This is a person who acts one way when there's a third party in the room and another way when it used to be just the two of us.
I need to remember to do a power of attorney. It will make me barf 🤢 to see that cruel witch at a real estate closing she caused against my best interests. She spent more energy trashing me than helping or loving me. For decades. And I'm almost done with her (I still owe her $925,000 and $3800 a month in interest for years to come—she's not employable and can't support herself and her health has failed.). And she owes me so much but I wrote those due bills off so long ago I can't remember what authentic love feels like.
Love and skiing.I forget how to do these things that were as familiar as tying my shoes! Maybe I'll forget how to hate myself too, soon. That would be wonderful.
I had a long dream that I was at a gatsby type party hosted by my ex wife celebrating the sale of my apartment. I only saw her for a second. She was wearing a knit hoodie over her head because she had cut all her hair off. I wonder what that meant. We never spoke so that was realistic. And then I was in other cities and it was hallucinatory.
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