The Long Road Out

 Integrity. Decency. Goodness. The ability to life without jealousy.  The heart yo say “thanks” with ease, and mean it.  A sense of awe that conquers disappointment.  An asset that you earned yourself.  A partner in life who is rich enough to make you feel safe  I’m not   You picked poorly. Truth that isn’t manufactured or gaslit. Someone who loved you as much as I did   Dopamine, endorphins, and empathy   Leadership skills   Administrative patience. Friends who want you yo be part of their organizations. A strategy to stop taking money and nothing else from your partner, so you can hide from my anger and disgust  (I can’t avoid you either when I’m sending $3900 a month to you for the rest of my life.  You are truly and well stuck to me like flypaper now, thanks to your neediness and your lawyers.) This is a lot. I wish you were more than you are. Or even an authentic version of who you claim to be. It would have been worthwhil...

Look at what you do to avoid owning your shame.   A dog with a bone.  I have a cat. I’m a cat person. When I’m with Ceci I know peace.  I’m on my way home. You and me. I love you so much.  Stay away. Chloe knew. Bear knew.

Wow, I was good to you. Even with your sea of disappointment. You had that long before I arrived and you jealously guarded yours like a cornered python. You did our banking and I tolerated it even as cash went missing and checks bounced and my credit rating suffered. You could buy or do or pursue anything you wanted. I supported every single one, as long as they weren't designed to specifically destroy me (there were far more of those than I understood). I tried not to react to your constant conflicts and profoundly one-sided self-justification. Your unwillingness to accept how badly you hurt your parents. Your dad may have deserved it. Not your mum. The poor woman was cornered between two raging narcissists!  I didn't question your aptitudes until you got so ferociously mean at the end. You have Addison's but no one has had the courage to tell you that you can't accurately assess others' intentions. By medical definition, you cannot read others. You can...

I've lived with an abusive wife for decades. I won't be rid of her for years. I applaud my anger. It's the one part of me that fought back and protected me. I learned that response from all the others before me who were subjected to similar gaslighting, narcissism, bullying, selfishness, and endless criticism. It's impossible to find love in a family that hates you for your successes and doesn't think you have a right to protect yourself or complain. To those of you out there in narcissistic relationships, you can't win. I'm with you and I understand. You can only get out of range of the worst abuse. Narcissists can't be cured and their need to never be wrong haunts them until they die.

Happy anniversary of the day you moved to Montreal—the 13th anniversary of your departure to Arizona for a few days was two months ago! $2.6MM coming your way in 36 hours. Fair pay for all your support, kindness and partnership—and your other generous contributions. Have you told everyone about the terms you fought for like a dog with a bone? I'd like to share our settlement agreement with the people I used to know in NY because I won't ever see any of them again and I gave up trying to defend myself against your endless campaigning. We all know your story but I also have mine, and it deserves to be told as much as yours, as hard as that is for you to accept. Narcissists will kill to protect their narrative. I mean Diti and Jack and Rachel and Bob and Anthony and Christina, for example. Hope and Bob. Do they know I've already sent you over a million, that you're getting 2.6 on Monday, and that I owe you 1.2-4mm more? Do they know the total is $4.5 million post ...

All these years later I'm still in shock—both medical and emotional—that the woman I married and lived with for 30 years is such a sick fuck! She knows she's vaulting pain and anger and damaging lives—and worries about nothing other than her outfits. She fails at everything she does, without exception, and it is always someone else's fault. I wish you deep suffering, since you've never had the experience. Then you'll understand who I am for the first time, and you too will be shocked to see yourself though my eyes. Please know pain.

We asked one sufferer from this grave disease who is receiving an additional $2.6 million in post-tax funds on Monday if she was feeling better. She said she had already received a million dollars and that wasn't enough. The chronic trauma that caused her grave illness was still present, and in fact she was even less interested in the wellbeing of anyone other than herself. A bystander described her as "an angry dog with a bone." This individual who was familiar with dogs with bones said they rarely die. "More bones don't remediate bad pets or Addison disease," another expert said. "The folklore around receiving post-tax cash is pretty accurate. It rarely cures any pathology." Some wealthy experts comment that cash infusions of over a billion dollars over a short term can be quite pleasant. But smaller amounts, like the total balance of over $4.5 million received by the poor sufferer above, are chump change. "If someone...

In our short time together, as meaningless in the end as a distant galaxy: Can you recall an action you took that was solely in my best interest? Can you recall me acknowledging it? Can you recall any actions you took that raised concerns for you that they might be hurtful to me? Can you recall a single instance me trying to tell you that you were hurting me? You said that I was not a feminist 20 years after I stopped describing myself as a fellow traveler of the woman's movement. Do you believe you are? On what basis? Is there any chance that you're just out for yourself, angry at everyone because you can't get the attention you think you need or deserve or crave? Do you have better friends now that you've destroyed me (or Doron)? Female friends? Male friends? Does the new you attract the gaze of anyone? Do you have your first recurring client yet? (Other than me.) What have you learned in the last three years? How have you improved? Can you share ...

30 years in one plce.  Now it's over.   I assume I'm in shock….seeing my entire life blanketed and shrunk wrapped.  Dozens of rolls of wrapping tape.  Now it's all gone in an orange truck.   So much went into recycling or garbage.  My NYC tools for instance.  Many of those date back to Wyoming or the Boat Basin.  Suddenly they've been made redundant. Two houses forced into one.     Given away.     I too have been rejected, left behind, made redundant.  I do not know my place.  My connection with my cat is my one authentic relationship.  God 

They're not even trying anymore.  Easy victory from the consumer credit guys, again. Shit you don't want and will never use added to a product that's already gouging.  Note that the small print explaining why you can't use the benefits is twice as many words as the marketing shit telling you the good news.  The headline should be "if you're receiving this, you're already a sucker." Begin forwarded message: Subject: NEW: Your United Club Card is being upgraded with new benefits Reply-To: United Club Card <reply-febe16737c620175-16_HTML-202630889-514023959-2611@mcmap.chase.com>  NEW: Your United Club Card is being upgraded with new benefits Find out why your card is the perfect fit for your future travel plans. Find out why your card is the perfect fit for your future travel plans. we're excited to announce that your Unite...

Ok yesterday's Trump discussed bombing of the Houthis on a Signal chat that erroneously included journalists. Transparency by mistake. I'm so glad to see some honesty even if unintended. Lots of people died, incidentally, in the bombings. I guess we forgot to be transparent with the victims of our powerless violence. Meanwhile he came up with some fucked up logic to put tariffs on I dis and Spain because, like is, they buy oil from Venezuela. He says it's because Venezuelans are criminals. I suspect it's because, like Canadians, they're all opposed to fascist dictators so they don't buy Teslas either. It's crazy leftists like this that reduced car sales. Elon had to put his own money in to prop up the stop price as projections fall. Tariffs on crazy lefties! Tariffs on anyone who thinks the White House is populated with 4 year old crybaby egoists. More Snuggies for cabinet meetings. Tesla is now a meme stock, just like DJT.

 I carry inside me the knowledge of failure and the anxiety it produces. I wonder how many strangers I meet have similar awareness.   I think it goes away when I hold my cat, or gaze into my favorite art or listen to a song I like.  Or when my friends the ravens coast by my mountain window. Their feathers the perfect black.  I can’t get out of my box. My small box. I am at the bottom so far away from all of you. I can never “catch up” with my life. It’s useless to try when anxiety prevents me from determined effort. I have no time for anything except worry.  I’ve noticed that my ex is a routine communicator when there’s a third person on the email or text string  she shows her organization and team spirit, and says thank you regularly  Her signature line says “ warmly.” She deletes the signature line and the cheerful demeanor when it’s just me  I wonder why  I assume it’s because all she cares about is getting the rest of her marital assets ...

As the depression lifts and the dense fog slowly and inconsistently disperses, I'm left standing I. Front of a black obelisk. There are no inscribed words but instead a generative hum. It says: your life has no purpose or meaning, David. It says: why are you here? You have no family. It says: you have lost your way and you have no path forward. It says: you are not loved by people and they will never offer the nurturing you need. You made terrible partners choices for yourself and you can't redeem the debt you created for yourself by wasting your love. It says: it is not possible to recover from trauma of this magnitude. Your years of powerful healing and the resultant strength are over. It says: you'll have to paddle as hard as you can every moment now or you will surely drown. It says: hold yourself tight David. You are all that you have and you must find love inside in the time you have left or you will expire very very soon. Perhaps...

Busy week with travel and work investments and disruptions at home. And I'm still trying to do some caretaking for a friend who got injured in a horse accident. I exchanged a few disconnected messages with my ex about her health problem. She said she never feels safe and I asked if there was a time she did. Kinda like "Make America Safe Again." Imagining a past that never existed and then making the present as terrifying and stupid as possible (I'm referring to anyone who sucks up to Trump and his job). I'm sure my ex is terrified—she takes meds three times a day she says and believes she will die if she misses a dose. Something to do with cortisol. When I'm out of balance, I freeze. I used to fight and flight with my ex, who was disappointed in such grand ways with me and her own life. Now I'm like a partridge along a hiking trail. I flap my wings percussively once, when confronted with danger, and then sit patiently waiting for the real blow ...

Temporary or not? I don't know but the sea of self-loathing I've been living in the last many years seems a bit lighter tonight. I feel foggy otherwise. I'm supposed to go skiing tomorrow with some new friends and the system for getting passes seems intimidating. Never mind trying to find my clothes and skis. I've skied forever. I don't know if I can get myself there. But that also feels understandable. My poor brain has been in both a boxing and a wrestling match with itself. I'm mentally and emotionally bruised, and I anticipate that my stress and anxiety has caused neurological damage. Realizing that the mob heist we're watching from the Trump mafia is not my fault, and that the stress of moving out of my own home is not my fault—these things may be helping a little bit? A little relief? I still don't feel anything from the Zoloft—in fact I think I forgot to take my 50 mg yesterday? Not sure. Realizing that I never pleased my narcissistic...

That the US is the most illiterate developed country in the world the world, and will soon be dumber. That I moved to Truckee. That I had to sell my home in NYC, alone and without gratitude. That I am an abused spouse. That I am an immensely better and more likable human than my ex. Look at what I did: I took a woman off the street and she'll have $4.8 million dollars after she dumped me. I sustained a 30 year marriage with a woman whose longest intimate relationship is 4 years. I've survived overpowering trauma, disabling PTSD, and immobilizing depression. I observe the fraud: That lawyers can market themselves as @collaborative when they're the exact opposite. That my ex-wife is perky and efficient but only if there!/ a third person to show off for. Since I know her track record, she doesn't bother with me or her other enemies. She's a rude gaslighter when no one is looking who doesn't know her and believes her shit. These things are not ...

 Mouthing the words for Robin.  Reconciling with your mom.  The tennis instructor.  Helping Doron   Your short stories   Suicide roommates. Your parents asking you for divorce advice, which you repeated when you asked me if you should fuck Caroline.    All made up!  I’m sure of it.  Prove to us you aren’t a fraud. What you don’t have:  a story of longterm friendship other than me. 

 Hi Don— You filed 77 cases, wasting immense resources, challenging the 2020 election. You lost all 77, right? What gives you the balls to think you know anything about the legality of boycotting your retarded boss, Musk? I wouldn’t drive one of his shitty cars even now that he’s reduced to zero percent financing and huge discounts.  Until you fire him. Then maybe.   You would have been a great car salesman though. Really  why don’t you go work at a Tesla dealership?  Then you can say things like “what are you in the market for, little lady?” “Sulking” and “illegal” are not the same, except for narcissists. Pouting and morality are not the same. Most adults learn that “I’m taking my toys and going home” leads to loneliness. 

Down down down in a sea of self-loathing. I failed, and I let my life partner stomp and shit all all over me, and I live in a country of self-serving bottom-feeders. Down down down. There's nothing here for me. When self-loathing washes up on your shores, there’s no qamount of detergent that will clean up the mess.  I need to stop but I don’t know how. You’d think after all the help I’d have a clear answer. But I don’t know much of anything. I am nor much of anything. I am David. Here alone for no purpose.  Hear the echo? The overnight coyote?  The pure of my cat.  The warm air from the furnace blower.  It’s run all winter without problems. Snow is coming now. Maybe.  But no help is on the way now.  I don’t know what would matter if it did. I won’t ever know what would matter either. The answers stopped coming and I can’t be still.  I can’t cope ha ha.  Can I move my limbs?  What works and what doesn’t, right.  Let’s run a check. ...

So I worked for 30 years to build an asset I could leave to my wife if I died, so she'd be solid and safe. Her dad screwed her mom over—left her in debt when he passed—so I thought I was being a good guy. I was proud of myself—hubris I know—and proud of an "us"that was a fallacy in my mind only. She dumped me a bunch of years ago. She doesn't understand money and didn't give a shit about me. Remind me of the last time you offered me an unsolicited kindness? Never? Is that accurate?  Remember that inept trans couples counselor you dragged in?  Total fraud. And how you showed up for the sessions dressed up for dates with your lovers?   Why did I do that to myself? What a fucking moron I am. Now I don't have heirs and I'll die alone. Fuck me!  And while I’m at it, screw you too. You’re not capable of joy or pleasure.  That’s a comfort to me. 

Today's probably the last day before whoever put together the puppet show arrives with large black vans and empties the White House.  Welcome to the US as we become the Fourth World. See the Federal Troops stationed at the end of your suburban block?  Duh. They’re not there to protect you!  They’re assigned to arrest you if you try to leave your neighborhood without the appropriate papers.  You won’t be deported. You’re already under permanent house arrest. Don’t bother accessing your ATM card or tiny stock portfolios. You cannot cash out and run.    I don't have anything to do with any of this. I'm a US citizen but I am an alien to the government and the leadership. I've always been embarrassed by the US and I now fully disassociate myself from the chaos. If anyone, including my fellow citizens, depended on the country to honor commitments or follow though, they were blind. Now the unsighted will experience the destruction of their own lives, as millions ...

The US is a country that does not honor its commitments, does not observe International Law, disdains global treaties on peace and then environment, joins Libya in not signing on to human and civil rights covenants (alone among the 190+ UN countries), is is the world's leading exporter of lethal military matériel and toxic waste. Yet half of us think the rest of the world prefers us to their home country. So, as a nation, we are dumber and fatter than any country on the planet. And sicker since most of us have limited health care, if any. Trump isn't a unique American asshole. He is a product of our utterly failed society. Just because we can't see it doesn't mean the rest of the world isn't either terrified or laughing at us. Or both. I grew up in a family in upstate NY built on complete trust. A friend who knew my parents says that in some ways I came of age in a fantasy bubble. I pushed the Pavlovian lever and immediately got the treat of pos...

You've built your political life on a fantasy if you like those red hats in your closet. No wonder you need to write 1950's lynchings and, say, the extermination of Native Americans in the 19th century out of your states's textbooks. Or how about Viet Nam? We really helped those poor Asian people too. The CIA? Talk about spies who are still standing out in the cold, like idiots. Yes, eliminating Federal standards of education will definitely close the education gap with every other country! We have the lowest literacy rate of the G20 economies—and our kids don't even score on math rankings, unless they're of Asian descent, raised by Asian parents. I think maths and sciences are important skills now. What do you think? Computers? They're a thing now. There is not a decade since Europeans landed in Virginia (and lasted one winter) that hasn't been marred by murder, exploitation, violence, mob and mobster terrorism, and the mass exportation...

Perhaps this will be the day that I leave. There's no reason to stay any longer. All the days are the same and I long for a different world. I long to be at peace. It would make so much sense to move on to a better world than this one, and a better place than this. 

The clocks moved forward overnight. More light tonight, and the rush to the summer solstice. I remain behind, in a private tinezone of my own needs and fears and bottomless anxiety. You could arrange the timezones randomly, or move them to all points of compass, and I would be the solo pivot, outside the urgency or notice of anyone else. Just my cat. She notices. The hours pass but I make no progress. I don't invest in movement or engage in anything other than my own suffering. I have no health and I no longer have anything to love. Except my cat. She's cool. I still cook. I made a cod and shrimp and potato stew that's lasted me for four wonderful meals. Red pepper flakes for some zing. Diced sausage bits. I savored each spoonful and thought of times when I dined with others. When I lived with others. People are so cruel. I don't trust anyone any more. They don't bring love I can use to make myself well. Maybe I don't know the right people—...

 Yes you are, Beth. 

I meant to ask. I know you've been busy fucking over our friends and pandering to the Axis of Evil. And—oh—being disrespected on your own TV channel! So just a checkin: Now that you've eliminated the Gazans who are still alive, how's your real estate grab going? I don't think I'll visit your resort, but how's it going with the permits? The extortion? The threats and bullying? Think of all the bones of the murdered sitting deep under the foundation of your resort. I choose Dubai. Way cooler than your NJ-in-the-Middle East plans. They have more money of course. That often disguises lack of class or taste.

I've been a disappointment to everyone. Mostly myself. That's why everyone is gone now that I need their love. I've never come close to replacing the acknowledgement I received from my spectacular parents and brother. That's why I'm silent and alone for days. Moving is so hard. I get many many kind words and love. What is wrong with me that I can't bring that inside myself and open my broken grieving heart once more to someone? I'm so sorry David.

I will never see my family again. Why?  Because my ex-wife blackballed me. These people who loved me haven’t reached out in years. Not a one. A niece is in college  Who cares.  She’ll never meet me again and I hate to think what she thinks of me, once your war machine ground to a rusty halt. . Nice job. Are you happy now, Beth?  Get what you want?  I bet you did.  I didn’t. I didn’t get anything I wanted from you. You could not have caused more damage, instigated more pain, nor betrayed a larger trust.   You are a mobster in a land of egotists.  Today is such a bad day again. I helped a few friends but cannot help myself. I offered kindness and respect even though I’m incapable of receiving these things I lack in return.   I have big caretaking responsibilities coming up but no space or support for my wounded soul during this tough week. I am alone with no safety net and I can barely move.   When will the pain and sadness subside, my dea...