The Long Road Out

Losing school books in 2nd grade. Not getting invited to parties in 9th grade where the cool kids made out and maybe smoked cigarettes. Building my first business as my mentor and friend John suffered three heart attacks and renal failure. Selling that business. The death of my father (with Lois). My brother's homelessness (I'm sorry I haven't been better). The loss of my world class pets Springer and Hercules and Emily. The sadness of falling in love with my current pet Ceci, and both of us knowing it's only the two of us (she lost her kittens before I met her). My own recent PTSD and depression as I learned that I had built a life with the wrong people, and needed to learn to protect myself with very tight boundaries or I would continue to be in pain forever Self-sufficiency is a habit. It’s a neural default. This is the third time in my life I’m living alone during a crisis, but looking back to my family and my marriages, in the end I was always solving in solitud...

Yes, our marriage shattered. In 2012. You never came back from Arizona. Do you have any consciousness of what it felt like to know my needs would never be supported or considered, that you were trash talking our marriage to everyone you met, and that you couldn't have cared less? I deserved your leftovers right? Angry little David. In 2012.  Renew your rest area memories.  I’m not part of them now. I was not part of them when they originally occurred. We shared nothing.  You performed.  What do you think was on my mind when you were running to the Clousters?  I don’t recall you asking when we met later.  Party on Mina. You might recall that we never ran to the Cloisters together. We ran to the Cloisters at similar times. You couldn't waste your time waiting for me. Another recent example of your flawed memory and lack of ability to hold space for anyone other than your ego. .

I was surprised to hear NPR interview some US-based military consultant paid by Irmsrael to explain Iran's intentions with its missle attack yesterday. Next they can interview Conagra or Monsanto to discuss the health and slimness benefits of high fructose corn syrup. The NPR interviewer started with a layup, asking why Iran would do something that appeared to show they were "impotent," since the missles all got shot down by the "secret" defense technology. The US consultant replied that Iran intended and hoped to do real damage! Even I know about the defense technology. Obviously the Iranian military people do, since they've fired rounds of unsuccessful missles before. Considering the assassination of non-Iranian political leaders on Iranian and most recently Lebanese soil (using US supplied weapons, it's obvious that Iran used restraint in the face of international law violations. You can be sure more 2000 pound bombs will fall k...

I recall how much I enjoyed your companionship and loved you. I accept the parts of you I found to be unkind.  I'm sure you're aging gracefully, unlike the other passengers in your car who died screaming their heads off. (Remember how much we laughed at that joke?) Someone we knew described you as a person without a moral compass. I'd agree with that. You wanted to be the pivot in the center of the needle, so that we’d all align with your magnetic fields.  I could adjust to that. You didn't waste time assessing the needs or desires of others, and you often behaved with breathtaking rudeness and selfishness. I took the brunt, but I was never the sole receiver. I could not adjust to your schoolyard behavior of blaming those closest to you for your own flaws. In a perfect world I wish I had helped you end that behavior, and that you appreciated me for the investment I made in you.  I'm understand that I don’t know you well so I’m guessing when I express my assump...

I continue to be in awe of the healing power of a few simple phrases I've learned from my continuing therapy for depression and PTS. First: "this is not working for me." Second: "why does it make sense that I feel …..?" The first clarifies my thinking in difficult or conflicted situations. It also obviously keeps the focus on my needs, rather than on the actions of slimy or uncaring or adversarial or simply glib people. Good riddance to that group. I do not miss a single one of the many friends I’ve ghosted.  I still miss my best friend but it makes sense that hatred has taken over from love there. The second replaces my default pattern of unhelpful self criticism and is so clarifying about complicated feelings. Instead of "you're a failure David" or "what a fucking loser," I have "it makes sense that I'm angry at my ex-wife who is having another affair and blaming me unfairly." I didn’t need these tools until 2022 t...

I assumed that those I loved or befriended would be generally sensitive to my interests. Certainly it never occurred to me that anyone I shared a meal with (using that as a proxy for acquaintance) would leave the table and act in was which I interpret as "hate." I appreciate that I have been privileged and fortunate enough to hang on to this childish and child-like innocence. I live in a country that elected Trump and a world that allowed Pol Pot. I have witnessed hate-filled narcissism up close. A cliche of the wellness industry is that we learn from our mistakes. We grow from our pain. I personally think these sentiments are a crock of shit. I don't see posters with those words in hospices. Or in the rubble of the houses of the poor that have been destroyed, along with the inhabitant families, by US drones. That being said, I got screwed royally by my ex-wife for decades, and never fought back. I never protected what was deeply mine. I shared with a ...

Probably best to not vacation in Lebanon or Yemen at the moment, or not have citizenship while residing in the United States. But, if you own stock or have private capital, the markets have already priced in the good news that neither of our Dillard political parties have a single radical change in their platforms. Stocks are going up because there is less risk to your money the closer we get to Election Day. Look at it this way. Elon Musk said he preferred Trump. Can you name a single coherent policy Trump has that might have motivated this mighty whacko Tesla dude to support him? Similarly, name a policy that the Democratic Party has that would make an ounce of difference to a trillionaire. The answer is it makes no difference to him. And even if your net worth is in the less lofty range and you're white and have TSA clearance—let's say $15,000,000 like mine used to be—financially the November election is meaningless. Buy Meta! Sell Apple! Invest in your own b...