The first signs of empathy for my ex life partner

It's been over three years, filled with anger and shock at the disdainful treatment my life partner handed out.  She has very little experience with love. 

 

But, I keep working on myself.  I have no choice!  I'm an unhappy mess and I have severe depression and anxiety symptoms.  "Not fucking up" is still my definition of an acceptable day.  "Sublime" joy" is a concept I can only achieve with the aid of psychedelic-assisted therapy.  Maybe someday soon.

 

So, baby steps.  Today I had empathy for my ex, in between the self-hatred and harsh judgement.  She is unique in my life, and there will not be another partner.  I am damaged beyond the ability to want to depend on another human, or to ask for help.  I intend to make my own way, and suffer the consequences—with some silent celebrations at the small accomplishments.

 

Like today.  This is a self-celebration.

 

I empathize with you, my dear departed, because I know you, too, are in pain, and could not get your needs met. You did not have support when you needed it most as a young girl and woman.  I don't know you well enough to know if this following statement is accurate, but I send care for the fact that you may have looked at every day and every interaction as a cosmic pecking order, with adored people at the top, and you cut out.

 

Maybe not true, but I can see that I did not help you climb the ladder toward the goal you most desired and needed to feel real.

 

That's a terrible burden. 

 

Maybe you've found moments of peace and confidence?  Has aging a few more years helped?  New friends who are more aware, or aligned with, or sensitive to your desires?

 

I hope so.  That part may have protected you…clawing and climbing to not fall to your death…but it's a cruel goddess that doesn't care about your pain. 

 

I imagine you've welcomed this part in, and heard what it has to say…and granted it a vacation.  Farewell!  You did your job! Take a rest and let's hear what all my other valuable parts have to say going forward. 

 

Thinking of this makes me happy on your behalf.