After 30 years of fighting about it, sex loses allure

Now that my 30 year marriage is long over, I realize that I was told every single day that I was a sexual failure.

 

To some degree, we were simply mismatched.  Normal couples sort these things out without blowing up.  We always blew up.

 

The core issues were:

 

• Tempo…my wife wanted sex five times a week and I was more in the 2 times range.  So, every morning was a dreaded uncertainty and we started most days with a sense of rejection
• Purpose…I don't know why my wife had or liked sex.  She seemed so angry at the process.  I saw sex as the fastest route toward intimacy. I require a lot of safety around sex.

 

These two differences are enough, I learned, to generate hourly messages of hurt and disappointment.  I became increasingly hesitant and moody, and did everything I could to avoid the topic since the only outcome was a relationship meltdown and days of separate bedrooms or whatever.