I was so busy for 28 years convincing myself that I had a great marriage that I missed daily signs from my wife that she was miserable

            Now that my marriage is gone, my contradictory strong emotions have put me into an emotional tailspin.  I'm undiagnosed but I think the combination of mania, depression, and PTSD have turned me into a sad, lonely mess.  I now am certain I am a victim of spousal abuse from a textbook Nacissitic Personality Disorder wife. 

 

            Here are some thoughts:

 

• I am my brother.  My brother is bipolar and was homeless for 12 years.  He's aggressive, angry, and unable to trust his ability to process information from other humans.  As a trauma survivor, I am all those things now, too. 
• One tangible result of my dysfunctional marriage is that I lost connection with the medicine that could have helped me heal.  Specifically, while integrating separate MDMA journeys, my ex wife attacked me.  Since she was trying to make a career in this area, I wisely checked out.  She proceeded to learn about therapy assisted psychedelics, but I stopped.  This ended any chance I had for personal spiritual and wellness growth.  I've started again now that she's gone, but the success and healing I've begun to experience was delayed for five years.  Meanwhile, I paid for my ex's continued journeys.  She's now monetized her training and never brought any of her education back to the relationship.  Psychedelics teach absolute connection.  That's a core learning from any medicine journey.  In my case, my ex used psychedelics to connect with new sexual partners, new spiritual advisors, new friends, and a sense that she was entitled to teach others.  None of the investment I made in helping her came back to me.  I never met her lovers, friends, advisors, or students.  She's turned that investment into multiple orgasms.  I'm lonely and haven't had a sexual partner in over a year.  Or a hug that I could feel.
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