The Long Road Out

 My ex-wife pissed on it. We left.   I used to dance. My ex got bored.  I used to be musical. Playing in a soundproof room.  I used to do cocaine alone. To “feel good about myself.” I once was proud.  Ha.  I was sexual before this time. . 

Maybe I can grow again. More space. More plants. Less time with humans who are unidimensional. More psychedelics for learning and growing. Maybe. Simpler life fewer assets. Learn to take baths again. Buy a pellet gun to shoot coyotes. I hate them since one killed my cat. Making Mina learn what she fucked up and fucked over. Dying compromised, like me. Aware of her damage.

How did that happen? I loved so many dearly. People and animals. Now I have some activities and I try to behave. I don't know why. The interactions are not offering meaningful benefits. So strange to be completely isolated now. Perhaps I always was and never noticed? At least since my parents died. I need so much!

That's an easy one: ping pong. Table tennis. We played a lot. During ski season pre-dinner ping pong was a great tradition. And we were well matched. Over hundreds of games I'm guessing pretty close to 50/50 win-loss results. The matches, including long fun rallies, fell into three general patterns. 1. My ex would get ahead early, 2. We'd switch leads several times and often end up in long "win by two" duals 3. I would get ahead early. In the first two categories, we had fun. The third category was a disaster and I dreaded it. My ex would give up. She'd swing carelessly and drop her hands. Her serves would become random. Her face showed how unhappy she was. I'd react by getting sloppy and often a game would go from say 10-2 to 18-18. I usually won because I'd be frustrated by her lack of sportsmanship and would fight back at the end. How unfair. The lesson in table tennis was the same as in our entire marriage: ...

I had Mohs surgery three years ago on a small pre-cancerous spot on my leg. The procedure is intended to minimize scarring. It’s minor, and likely heads off much larger problems. Nonetheless, I still have a purple stain on my leg there which never diminishes.  Similarly, the actions of a dysfunctional marriage caused  the full range of PTSD symptoms.  Shock. Mood swings.  Hopelessness. Anger. My exwife compounded the problem by her own illnesses—specifically she ghosted, blamed and gaslighted me.  To this day, when I think of her, one or more of the symptoms roars into center stage and I am unable to function. I will never be able to form a trusting love relationship again.  It’s 4:04 in the morning and I am angry. I want to tell her how evil she is and instead I just have to send her interest on settlement balances. Talk about money for nothing.  Narcissists rarely receive Florence Nightingale awards, and my ex shouldn’t wait for any caregiver of the ...

 Depression has exacerbated my behavior of leading with empathy. Sick dog?  I cry with you.   It’s crushed excitement.  Hardly an option. I bought a new house for myself this week. Hi-hum. I’ll still be the same depressed guy.  That doesn’t seem fair!  I liked that part of myself. I was always the guy who drove around town to get my soccer team out of bed before a match.  Yes, I liked excitement. Striving for improvement. I thought “Flow” was a meaningful book when I read it. Sexual excitement—so empowering and energizing and happy (except with my ex(.  Business meetings to discuss joint IP!  Partnerships of all stripes. Reaching the top of a new peak. Looking forward to the next trip.  A new pet.  Thrilling—as was living every pet I’ve known.  Then I met my ex. She melted down if I was excited about anything other than keeping her on a pedestal. 

Here's what ChatGPT has to say on that subject: That's a deep and honest question—one that many people wrestle with. What holds someone back from starting their life over can vary, but here are some common factors to reflect on: Fear of the Unknown Starting over means stepping into uncertainty. It's natural to fear what you can't predict—new environments, people, jobs, or even a new version of yourself. Comfort in Familiar Pain Sometimes, even if your current situation is unfulfilling, it's familiar. That familiarity can feel safer than the risk of failing or being disappointed again. Responsibility and Obligations You might have ties—family, financial commitments, a career path—that make the idea of starting fresh seem impossible or selfish. Internalized Doubt Many people carry a quiet, persistent voice that says, "I can't," or "I don't deserve better." These limiting beliefs often trace back to past ...