Surprise! You’re not there!
You've likely found yourself on the dark edge of the wood? Then welcome here, companion.
I'm on day 3 of an "instant" crisis (violent death in the family). I'd like to describe a reaction I experienced just now, a part of the torrent of grief.
This part felt like it was an unfamiliar visitor. Here's what I believe I heard: "yes, David, you have nowhere to turn." The voice was referring to the fact that my ex-wife who I loved and depended on deserted me three years ago. But then this voice continued: "you have never once in your life faced a crisis with a protector by your side. You have faced every crisis alone, exactly as you are doing now."
Couldn't be more true. I had a thirty year marriage with someone who would not put a bandage on another person. I had a sick ecosystem of long friendships all of which locked my abusive situation in concrete. My parents stayed away.
It was a great life. That's how co-dependent I was and am. The worse she treated me, the harder I tried (and the angrier I got. And the more wine I drank. And the infinite arguments about sex!).
And the fact that I was married to a woman who said "I will never help you. You'll have to save yourself."
To her life partner.
I'm on day 3 of an "instant" crisis (violent death in the family). I'd like to describe a reaction I experienced just now, a part of the torrent of grief.
This part felt like it was an unfamiliar visitor. Here's what I believe I heard: "yes, David, you have nowhere to turn." The voice was referring to the fact that my ex-wife who I loved and depended on deserted me three years ago. But then this voice continued: "you have never once in your life faced a crisis with a protector by your side. You have faced every crisis alone, exactly as you are doing now."
Couldn't be more true. I had a thirty year marriage with someone who would not put a bandage on another person. I had a sick ecosystem of long friendships all of which locked my abusive situation in concrete. My parents stayed away.
It was a great life. That's how co-dependent I was and am. The worse she treated me, the harder I tried (and the angrier I got. And the more wine I drank. And the infinite arguments about sex!).
And the fact that I was married to a woman who said "I will never help you. You'll have to save yourself."
To her life partner.
Comments
Post a Comment