Who am I? What do I stand for? What am I not?

I would like the dignity to believe that I'm authentic, reliable, competent, open to the sublime, and available.   In short, that I'm a "what you see is what you get" human.  To live up to my own expectations, I hope that exhibit noticeable amounts of certain traits like:

• sharing deeply of myself (ok, maybe you didn't want to know about how I feel about sex)
• always listening more than I talk, unless specifically asked to behave otherwise
• eschewing human relationships, or even brands, for the purpose of self-promotion (a Rolex? Seriously?)
• being regularly vocal about the moments and things that bring me joy, and stopping the train to focus as deeply as possible on them

I get triggered when anyone acts in a way that threatens my identity around the "Big 5" above. Usually, when triggered, I become defensive (trying to maintain my dignity), but ultimately I try to escape unnoticed. I'd rather forget that the challenge to my self-beliefs ever occurred.  Usually I discount the person who caused the offense, so the only person who can heal my wounds is me...hence, self-isolating feels like the most efficient path back to self-esteem.

I know much has been thought and said about the various ways to deal with this pattern. I've considered and used a great many of those methods and, sad to say, I still think withdrawal is far and away the most effective for me.  

Here's what I'm not:

• A dishrag
• A medical project in need of a partner to fix me
• Complicated
• Out of touch with my feelings (you must be out of touch with yours to even suggest such a thing!)
• Stressed out all the time (what a worn out cliche.  I feel like I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't think he or she is an "A-type".)
• Lacking in self-knowledge (and I have tens of thousands of dollars in therapy and mental health invoices to back up this claim!)
• A fake (I'll fight you to the death on that one before I give up)
• Someone who craves the limelight to fill some past need (I got tons of limelight as a kid, and came to distrust it, so now I steer clear of any spotlight. I love to dance at the outer edge of the circle, facing away)
• A "man-splainer"
• Better than you (to paraphrase Szymborska, all of us are lost in the woods, drawn up in a ball, without a flashlight in the dark--at some point in our lives.)
• Willing to be silenced
• Willing to let another human believe I agree with them when I don't (I don't want to fight, but I won't pass)

 At the moment, however, I am stuck--I'm changing but not fast enough to keep up with my environment.  So at least for the next chapter, I feel the need to be nimbler, smarter, and more self-reliant.  I feel like I'm embarking on a trip and I know the landscape at the gate...not beyond.