Unpleasant reality and hopes that I can change from it.

My ex is living in my country, my town, and seeing our friends, living on my money.

I am living by myself with no friends I value. 3000 miles away from the world I knew for 40 years plus.

This is not fair. I don't want any of it back but I don't want her to have any of it.

The fact that she's happy, after the violence she perpetrated against me—the hate she spewed—that hurts so much.

I want justice I'll never have. The world doesn't work that way, perhaps most powerfully so in the US.

I most definitely want her to fall down and embarrass herself. And I want to forget that I ever knew her. I do not want to support her in any way because she's a fraud.

Wow I hate her. Shallow as October ice on a Vermont pond.

Part II

My feelings are based on the ever encroaching self hate I have, much of it the result of 30 years of wanting more attention from my ex and, every day, receiving the message that I was already getting more than I deserved. For a long while she was generally polite about these micro aggressions but after my dad died she stopped. She was regularly rude to me, often in public, and I took these behaviors as signs that she felt I deserved her rudeness. 

Yeah, it makes sense that I now think I suck. 

Part III

What will I make of this clarity?  Will I learn to accept this history and experience at the same level I accept, for instance, the pleasure of good food?  Will I ever learn to accept that I had a good life with a rude partner?  Now it feels like I had an abusive partner who wanted to hurt me. A sadist?