Missed affection and the trauma of knowing I lost 30 years

I'm so damaged by a loveless marriage that ended in the same way it started—disappointment, denial, gaslighting and emotional distancing.

I have nothing to show for 30 years of my life because of this stain. And now I'm suffering pTSD and depression so not capable of building anything new to replace the loss and the theft.

Maybe some day.

Makes me thankful that my ex is the only person who hurt me this badly. The one toxic mistake I made. I appreciate the others I've known more now than I would have, compared to my ex.

No one in my life is capable of healing me. That's far too much to ask, even from my mental health team.

I am a trauma grief depression anxiety machine.

My fuel is, sadly, the person I loved most in the world.  As people have said yo me for years, she’s dead to me.  She was absent when needed and her own fuel was harsh judgement, just like her dad.   

Ugly fuel. It damages my insides that I can’t find a healthy source  or a technology to clean her gunk out of my system. Dirty dirty low-grade fuel. I ran on it for longer than anyone and now I am a wreck. Parked in the back of done junk yard I don’t recognize.