The Long Road Out

I think I forgot to take my anti-depressant yesterday. Then I had two small glasses of red wine with dinner. My friend is back. The one who says "you're such an asshole David." Unconnected to anything, which is unusual. Maybe the stress of moving? I'm not conscious of having disappointed anyone or failed to follow through on anything. The usual sources of harsh self-critical thought. What is he trying to warn me of?

Hey moron…   So, now you're acting as if you're an independent power broker with Iran and Israel.  Don't hurt yourself doing gymnastics and posturing.   What a tool you are, Donald Trump.   Europe has been meeting with the combatants.  They specifically excluded you Don, since you can't be trusted and you suck all the air out of the room. This war was caused by you, in 2018.  We had the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action through which Iran agreed to avoid nuclear development in return for Israel's agreement to stop attacking and invading.  You complained back then that Iran cheated…but remained stupidly silent on the fact that Israel assassinated Iranians and others on Iranian soil and continued covert warfare the whole time.  Anyway, Israel got the message that it could keep doing whatever it wanted, and you were too stupid to notice. No military leader in this country who isn't a character in Dr. Strangelove (Pete Hegadeath?)...

The old one will sell this year. In the meantime, I have a room of my own—far more than I need to be honest. I'm proud of every one! I'm happy in every space. There's a fire pit in the back yard and I want to use it. I have Sonos speakers and a printer connected to my network, called Sublime. I might not change those for a long time.

That's what the sale of my beautiful and loved home on Riverside Drive in Manhattan was worth to my ex-wife. Proves the point that love and beauty have no value that correlates with currency (maybe bitcoin, though that seems unlikely?). I loved my ex and I loved my home. Poof. Onward through this cruel cold world, never to be seen again. 652,480. That's how my love paid out on long odds.

 No. Being sad hurts, and good people try to offer aid  to a degree that doesn’t ruin their own lives or negate them   Sadness is narcissistic   Shame, guilt and grieving can. These are states of pain and terror.  These emotions are about seeing the ashes and knowing yours are mixed with those in the nameless pit.  That you didn’t feel a thing until you, yourself, began to burn.   Let’s all hear of your shame and your guilt and your grief.  Speak White!   Cat got your tongue?  Not surprising to find you mute when health, healing, and joy are possible. Healing emotions start at 15…not placating 6.  

 I’ve been told this by past girlfriends.  Coffee doesn’t help. Pineapple does.  Employees of ICE:  don’t force women to give you blowjobs, as you have.  You need to fix yourself first.  Your semen stinks.  While you’re fixing this disgusting fact about yourself that no facemask can hide—stop procreating.  Can you image a kid looking up at you next Father’s Day—or earlier this morning—and seeing someone who does what you do for a living?   Who sees the sweat and blood and urine and shit and tears of the dead before the laundry man comes. Please keep your dementia to yourself until you are gone.  Nice job in LA by the way.  Stay in Orange County with your marine friends, who also have semen problems, though up until now not from killing white men like you on US soil. 

I hiked toward Mt Rose this morning for the first time in four years. I did not aspire to the pinnacle, where I've been dozens of times. I hiked to the waterfalls and back. The gentle Sierra hike was fraught. I am not the same person I was on my previous hailstone-pinged trail run/walk. People I have met since then have already left my life. I had not met my cat Ceci then, and her life has already ended as a meal for a nasty coyote pup. I had not re-met Diana, my off and on roommate during the darkest days of my soul. I was strongish and confident that happiness would be mine for many more years. Now I am weaker, uncertain of my place and my purpose, and often overcome by clinical depression. You could say I am a shadow of that former self, and I would not say anything in response. I would listen to you hoping to understand who I have become. At the center of the transformation of course is the tawdry and cheap dissolution of my disabled and gaslighted marriage. The damage of...

Not to stereotype but the loser who shot the state reps 29 hours ago, apparently because he thought pro-choice advocates were satanical, goes to some whackadoodle Revelation-based crackpot church.  Why isn’t the fraudulent minister who tended to this violent flock defrocked and in custody? Anyone who reads Revelation should be deported. It’s a stupid meaningless poem. I’ve never read a worse one   Ye hypocrites. We hold ayatollahs accountable when they advise jihad. We put targets on their back. It takes a religious moron—a fundamentalist minister in Minnesota for instance—to stir up a sick bitter abusive mind.  It would take a true leader to get murderers to stand down. Trump loves these guys. He’s super happy that local, state,  and federal Democrats are afraid to open their front door.  Like Trump, so does your plain-vanilla Christian minister.  He loves you when you spill blood on the sidewalks, brother. Love thy assassinated brother. You are all sick f...

 I see empty barren fields where no gratitude grew. Only disappointment.  I see myself ignored by passing trucks, unable to hitch a ride to anywhere I wanted to be.  I see a dead weight on the other side of the bed from me night after night.  I see a funeral for my endless capacity for love and happiness…and then the final incineration before I became the ashes I am today.   Horrid demons circling a toxic waste dump  Mina—don’t hurt too many others as you walk yourself home.  I cared for you but all I have for my efforts is disappointment and heartache, and looking back I see nothing but a legacy of emotional stinginess and gaslighting You presented an image of yourself that I don’t think even you liked, and that everyone could see through—but for whatever reason you maintained in lieu of authenticity  honesty  generosity, connection, or love.  You sold your good self to your own illusion, leaving nothing kind for me.  Your spiritua...

I'm designing a bumper sticker or decal for my Audi. My goal is to express my disrespect.  Here are a couple of the things I'm considering.  Let me know your preferences, or a better alternative.   ICE:   Go home now! ICE: Does your mother know what you do for a living?  Is she ashamed of you? ICE: You are not respected or welcome in my town ICE: Go back to wrecking your own home, and leave mine alone. ICE: You are following the orders of a moron.  Think for yourself for once. ICE: That's not my flag on your underwear ICE: how do you sleep at night?   ICE:  Deport Yourself Now.    Hey, these are all great. What a bunch of feckless losers to take a job destroying families and lives.  And the ICE outfits are so stupid looking—never take a job where you need a gun and the name of your employer on your back and a face mask so you can’t be identified by your victims    

  Dear ICE employee:  I do not respect you.  I do not anywhere near my loved ones.  I want you to return to your home town and ruin lives there if you can't control yourselves.  Go home.  No one wants to meet you.   Meanwhile, here's the Nation's assessment of your ethnic cleansing mission:   Not surprisingly, Trump's ethnic cleansing campaign has many people fearful and uncertain of what to do. Fortunately, there are many immigrant rights, civil rights and faith organizations providing " know your rights " training for people and providing as much legal support as they can, while rapid-response networks are expanding to mobilize people to come to the sites of ICE raids to provide witness and support for those under attack. But this racist campaign has sparked the growth of a broad and diverse resistance movement working to end the military assault on their communities by armored personnel vehicles, helicopters, and mask...

 If you took this job, look deep into your shame.  Just saying. Go home and wreck your own family. Not mine.  You will walk to your grave alone when your time is done. 

So, my divorce wrecked my credit rating. I've never missed a payment in over 40 years. My income is extensive and secure. I have a relatively high net worth. I've paid all my divorce obligations. I assume it's because my ex liked hurting me. It supported her preferred narrative that I'm a deadbeat asshole. She will never deny that she didn't act with the sole intent of doing harm, so that's what I'm left with after 30 years. A soulless idiot who fights like a four year old. And has similar communication skills and temper tantrums and emotional intelligence. You succeeded. You fucked ne over and wrecked my life. Nice work Mina. Party on jackass. How's your partnership game going? Disgusting.  You don't understand, and can't comprehend the hatred you leave behind you.  You are truly the worst person I've ever known well.  Name a category where you don't fall short.  I'm all ears... Behold the daily venom of your continued wort...

Democrat or Republican or intelligent, our government has one color--and it's the palette of the tanks parading in Washington or the federalized troops descending on Hispanic neighborhoods. It's the color of guns and large munitions and helmets.  The color of faceprint.  The color of militarization. That's the US. I hate that color and everything it represents.  And it makes me so sad to look out and see nothing but warriors.  Anti-depressants to not improve the look of military fatigues and a spent nation.   Unlike the pride parade, we are not proud.  We are not human.  We are not sexy.  We are mechanized killers.  Maybe we get a red pickup truck to liven our days, but the swivel machine gun in the back brings us back to drab.  It shows the black in our hearts. Shame on us.   Shame on our allies who intercept aid boats and send their own drones into the towns and cities and farms of the citizens.   Shame on you for laughing at...

Ok, full disclosure. My new best friend is a kitten named Tico. I'm not doing so well with humans these days. I want Tico to determine what he wants and needs as much as possible. I hope to be his ally, providing the centering tendency and safety he needs to face his world with happiness and curiosity. My previous cat Ceci was killed by a coyote six weeks ago. I worry that I'm not good enough now to be Tico's trusted companion. I'm not worthy, as Mike Meyers would say. (The US will get a lot more humor from Mike once we become the 11th province, or the 5th territory, of Canada. Go Habs. Fuck Trump and his voters.) In the meantime, Tico, I look forward to every moment with you. You are truly the joy of my days and my life. Thank you for what you've given me already in our short time together. I want to be better for you, sweet new friend. Partner?

It must be really hard for both of you, having to confront, once again, your own inabilities to form appropriate connections with anyone. And then, having sustained the loss of yet another potential source of love and resoect, to find yourself in that same old familiar spot: alone, and posturing. How many times have you both snarked at the world "I never liked you anyway!"? And then snuck a side glance at your text messages to see if there was anything new from the only source that matters. "Not me! I didn't look! See? My iPhone is silenced!" How brutal the vicissitudes of romance! How undependable the brittle strands of new love. How sad, the empty solace of yet another tragic failure. Will this loneliness never end? "Mommy and Daddy—you owe me. You were terrible love coaches. I still don't know how," sobbed Donald. Either does black-eyed Elon!

Here's a new one: The taxi to and from the runway at Ohare is always abusive. 20 minutes at a minimum each way and frequently significantly longer. It deserves worst airport ratings. I'm on a United flight now. The taxi out was so long the brakes overheated before we got to the takeoff stand. We just sat for 24 minutes while the brakes cooled to regulated temperatures. That's the TAXI!

The Four horses are depression, sadness, anxiety and grief. Their hooves thunder across the arid tundra that is constructed of loneliness. There are cracks and tiny isolated blooms emerge. See the orange petals there. That's excitement. The yellow tendril there? Happiness.

He's a bore and a pig and makes mistakes twice a year that destroy hundreds of billions of dollars of value. The only reason he's not bankrupt is that he has so much cash this psychopathic behavior is buffered. He has no emotional or business maturity. He tried to wreck the federal government and he couldn't do that. The military budget went up more than the cuts he claims he made. Tesla investors: unless you regularly have dinner with this turd, why do you want him back? Volatility is not a measure of value. It's a measure of risk. (Unless you're an inside trader.). If you make money off Tesla stock, you are unlikely to have meaningful friendships. You're a prostitute and not much more. My humble opinion of you. You and your buddies. I will never meet any of you. Trump amazes me.  He destroyed Giuliani—something the five Families couldn’t do. He threw Musk out.  He’s a stupid slimy pig, but he’s apparently good at mob leadership. Musk probably h...

 My ex-wife pissed on it. We left.   I used to dance. My ex got bored.  I used to be musical. Playing in a soundproof room.  I used to do cocaine alone. To “feel good about myself.” I once was proud.  Ha.  I was sexual before this time. . 

Maybe I can grow again. More space. More plants. Less time with humans who are unidimensional. More psychedelics for learning and growing. Maybe. Simpler life fewer assets. Learn to take baths again. Buy a pellet gun to shoot coyotes. I hate them since one killed my cat. Making Mina learn what she fucked up and fucked over. Dying compromised, like me. Aware of her damage.

How did that happen? I loved so many dearly. People and animals. Now I have some activities and I try to behave. I don't know why. The interactions are not offering meaningful benefits. So strange to be completely isolated now. Perhaps I always was and never noticed? At least since my parents died. I need so much!

That's an easy one: ping pong. Table tennis. We played a lot. During ski season pre-dinner ping pong was a great tradition. And we were well matched. Over hundreds of games I'm guessing pretty close to 50/50 win-loss results. The matches, including long fun rallies, fell into three general patterns. 1. My ex would get ahead early, 2. We'd switch leads several times and often end up in long "win by two" duals 3. I would get ahead early. In the first two categories, we had fun. The third category was a disaster and I dreaded it. My ex would give up. She'd swing carelessly and drop her hands. Her serves would become random. Her face showed how unhappy she was. I'd react by getting sloppy and often a game would go from say 10-2 to 18-18. I usually won because I'd be frustrated by her lack of sportsmanship and would fight back at the end. How unfair. The lesson in table tennis was the same as in our entire marriage: ...

I had Mohs surgery three years ago on a small pre-cancerous spot on my leg. The procedure is intended to minimize scarring. It’s minor, and likely heads off much larger problems. Nonetheless, I still have a purple stain on my leg there which never diminishes.  Similarly, the actions of a dysfunctional marriage caused  the full range of PTSD symptoms.  Shock. Mood swings.  Hopelessness. Anger. My exwife compounded the problem by her own illnesses—specifically she ghosted, blamed and gaslighted me.  To this day, when I think of her, one or more of the symptoms roars into center stage and I am unable to function. I will never be able to form a trusting love relationship again.  It’s 4:04 in the morning and I am angry. I want to tell her how evil she is and instead I just have to send her interest on settlement balances. Talk about money for nothing.  Narcissists rarely receive Florence Nightingale awards, and my ex shouldn’t wait for any caregiver of the ...

 Depression has exacerbated my behavior of leading with empathy. Sick dog?  I cry with you.   It’s crushed excitement.  Hardly an option. I bought a new house for myself this week. Hi-hum. I’ll still be the same depressed guy.  That doesn’t seem fair!  I liked that part of myself. I was always the guy who drove around town to get my soccer team out of bed before a match.  Yes, I liked excitement. Striving for improvement. I thought “Flow” was a meaningful book when I read it. Sexual excitement—so empowering and energizing and happy (except with my ex(.  Business meetings to discuss joint IP!  Partnerships of all stripes. Reaching the top of a new peak. Looking forward to the next trip.  A new pet.  Thrilling—as was living every pet I’ve known.  Then I met my ex. She melted down if I was excited about anything other than keeping her on a pedestal. 

Here's what ChatGPT has to say on that subject: That's a deep and honest question—one that many people wrestle with. What holds someone back from starting their life over can vary, but here are some common factors to reflect on: Fear of the Unknown Starting over means stepping into uncertainty. It's natural to fear what you can't predict—new environments, people, jobs, or even a new version of yourself. Comfort in Familiar Pain Sometimes, even if your current situation is unfulfilling, it's familiar. That familiarity can feel safer than the risk of failing or being disappointed again. Responsibility and Obligations You might have ties—family, financial commitments, a career path—that make the idea of starting fresh seem impossible or selfish. Internalized Doubt Many people carry a quiet, persistent voice that says, "I can't," or "I don't deserve better." These limiting beliefs often trace back to past ...

Of course they do.  These people have spent their entire careers blaming others for their own ineptitude.    Carrion feeders. Disgusting.  The guy is dying.  I think people like Vance and the morons who keep the Democratic Party gutless are the proximate cause.   Ever kick a sick dog, you two creeps? I’m sure this isn’t the first time.    

I was proud of my marriage. Of my NYC home. Of my NYC friends. Of my career. Of my pets! Of what I read and the movies I loved and the uniqueness of my thoughts. Of my athleticism. Of my parents. Hubris… All gone. I feel strongly.  I know grieving. And remorse. And shame. And the decay of my body and mind.   I doubt my ex has any of those parts.  I know she doesn’t think I deserve affection, kindness, respect, care, or the time of day.  I don’t think people who run from others in need deserve respect. Nor do those who laugh at—or ignore—the pain they cause others. The gaslighters. Those whose realities change to align with their Facebook selves.  I talked to my brother last night. His brain is disappearing. He barely can form words and they don’t link. It doesn’t matter. He’s my brother and we don’t need words. His pieces say more than all the false babble and meaningless chatter of my marriage. He’s lost in the static of injury, over prescribed drugs, and t...

I am living in hell. Coyotes won't let me outdoors. My roommate is sick all the time. I had bad friends and my life partner was a vampire.no one can understand the unique terror of living with a woman who cannot experience shame or guilt or grieving. For the record, my anger is the only thing that kept me alive.  (No one understands this other than me. I was alone in a universe of gaslighting.) Pretty amazing I'm still here.  Waking up, trying to get dressed,rarely making headway on any projects. I send a check once a month to an ex who hasn’t treated me like a human I 3 fucking years, and likely much longer.  I resent her money for nothing greed.   I'm having trouble with alcohol. I say 'don't drink tonight" and then I do anyway. And I don't really care. Definitely numbs the pain and the loneliness but it doesn't stop the crying. The last thing I love was stolen from me. I don’t have the capacity for new love because I hurt so much. I got a new ...

It's a $4B company.   OpenAI generates revenue through several key channels, with a significant portion stemming from its ChatGPT offerings and API services. Here's a breakdown of its major income sources: 1.  ChatGPT Subscriptions (Approximately 76% of Revenue) OpenAI's primary revenue stream comes from its ChatGPT subscription services: ChatGPT Plus: Priced at $20 per month, this tier accounts for about 55% of OpenAI's total revenue, translating to approximately $1.9 billion annually.   ChatGPT Enterprise: Targeting large organizations, this plan contributes around 21% of the company's revenue.   ChatGPT Team: Designed for small to medium-sized teams, this offering adds about 8% to OpenAI's revenue.   Collectively, these subscription models provide OpenAI with a stable and recurring income stream. 2.  API and Developer Access (Approximately 15% of Revenue) OpenAI of...

You stole what you have, Don. That's what it's called when you stiff your suppliers, shake down your customers, and lie to the tax authorities. Imagine how much your employees disrespect you. Of course, you hire such rudderless fools. Look at your cabinet Don. Tell me YOU respect a single one. You'll fire them all within six months again. On to another topic, but related. My ex-wife. What a piece of work. I know what it's like to watch someone who is terrified of not being the center of attention. The gaslighting. The disdain for friends and family. The seething resentment when someone succeeds. The inability to recall anything prior to, or after, your last meal. You are morally and physically flaccid. Both of you. You are sacrificing your health in the pursuit of hurting as many people as you can. Daddy issues Don. Daddy issues, Beth.

Trump's "negotiations" aren't victories.  They're humiliating capitulations resulting from self-destructive tactics. Here are two "justifications" for anti-trade tariffs. People who are dumb enough to vote for Trump believe this kind of silliness, as I'll explain in two sentences after this summary:  Reduce U.S. trade deficit:   The trade deficit stood at $122.6 billion in February 2025, with exports of $278.5 billion and imports of $401.1 billion. The non-baseline tariff rates were calculated based on a country-by-country trade deficit, attempting to fill in gaps on an individual country basis. The 10% baseline tariff applies to all countries, regardless of their trade deficit, even for countries with a trade surplus, such as Australia. Collect U.S. tax revenues and reduce the U.S. budget deficit:  The tariffs aim to collect tax revenues and reduce the U.S. budget deficit, which stood at $1.83 trillion in 2024. Estimated a...

"Big Love" is a play by American playwright Charles L. Mee, first produced in 2000. It is a modern adaptation of Aeschylus's ancient Greek play "The Suppliants" (also known as "The Suppliant Maidens"). The narrative centers on fifty sisters who flee Greece to escape forced marriages to their fifty cousins. Seeking asylum, they arrive at an Italian villa, hoping for protection. However, their suitors pursue them, leading to a dramatic confrontation. Ultimately, forty-nine of the brides murder their respective grooms on the wedding night, while one bride, Lydia, chooses love over violence and marries her cousin, Nikos.

She's with you always, in the moonlight and when you touch the earth.   "When my mother died…" by Thich Nhat Hanh   "The day my mother died I wrote in my journal, "A serious misfortune of my life has arrived." I suffered for more than one year after the passing away of my mother. But one night, in the highlands of Vietnam, I was sleeping in the hut in my hermitage. I dreamed of my mother. I saw myself sitting with her, and we were having a wonderful talk. She looked young and beautiful, her hair flowing down. It was so pleasant to sit there and talk to her as if she had never died. When I woke up it was about two in the morning, and I felt very strongly that I had never lost my mother. The impression that my mother was still with me was very clear. I understood then that the idea of having lost my mother was just an idea. It was obvious in that moment that my mother is always alive in me.   I opened the door and went outside. The entire ...

I wonder how I will feel tomorrow but the shock and grieving of the last few weeks—I feel stripped down to nothing—makes me think that I need to make some big strong decisions: —buy a new new car -move my brother here —love my two cats like never before. —Sort out my company in a way that benefits everyone —resolve Diana situation so she gets the clarity from me that she deserves. —seek help from Yael at a new level. —coffee/alcohol? Sugar? Beef for real? —get even with the coyotes who did me wrong.  The foul mongrels.  

 For your birthday, I’m going to be a coke addict and crossdress. And then I’ll masturbate too much!  Just like you told all my friends. And you’ll be an angel as always.  Our friends. I know—you’ll dump them when they don’t adore you correctly.  Good thing you’re just trying to be a good person. Imagine if you admittted to yourself what you really are. If you were honest.  Honestly, I’m just doing my anti-depressants.  Wishing they helped with the grieving. I doubt you’ll think of me today.  But I’m convinced there’s a part of you that smiles when you recall how much pain I’m in.   I’m certain you won’t ever help me, or anyone else  and that you blame us all. Give us some evidence to prove we’re wrong, if you disagree  

 Dear World Leaders: We’re in the deepest shit here in the US.  The guy’s bonkers.  Batshit crazy   Here’s what you can do to help me, and help yourselves:  Stop answering Trump’s phone calls.  Refuse his meetings. Announce major side deals that exclude the US.   Throw the US out of NATO. We suck as a member anyway. Kick us off the Security Council, finally. Refuse to let our citizens enter your country until Trump is voted out.  Do what you did to Kissinger.  Convict him in The Hague. Whatever you want.  Turn your backs on Don for 15 minutes. We’ll get to witness the temper tantrum as he reverts to infancy. Hopefully he won’t kill us all as he melts like the Wicked Witch of the West. I know you need the heroin fix of our declining economy. But so does everyone else. You can replace it in minutes with better multi-lateral trade deals that exclude a broken and selfish country like this one. (I know you’re actively doing this now, with my ...

I perhaps had too much affirmation and affection early in my life. Both growing up, and in my first marriage. Then I ran into Beth, my life partner. She ran a tight ship, by which I mean: 1. Withhold praise 2. 24/7 judgement 3. Criticism of whoever was not in the room, but apparently particularly me 4. Daily expressions of disappointment. 5. Immature social interaction tokens along the lines of the Narcissists Prayer—which results in daily "gaslighting." Examples are "that didn't happen and if it did it didn't matter and if it did I don't mean it." 6. If I was unhappy, it was because I deserved it. Whew. No wonder I was irritable, frustrated, sometimes distant, exhausted, and angry. I was not built for these things, which were abusive, at least to someone full of hope and love like me. Someone who craves and expects connection. I was abused.

I have begun the slow ascent out of depression, but I suffered a new tragic shock to my system last Thursday. This triggered an outflow of grief—the honoring of lost love—beyond anything I have experienced in my life. Or anything in the long strange trip of the last 3+ years. Grieving continues as, Kubler-Ross-like, the first sign of "acceptance" raises a tiny voice. But it has transformed now into something universal, something larger than what can be described, and something that has permeated every cell and neuron of my defeated body. It feels like sacrilege to stand tall, or walk in any form other than a slow shuffle. I can see that the moon, nearing full, is as incomplete as I am, and is broken by my grief. Music has slowed. I just heard "I'll Be There" by the early Jackson 5, and it went on for hours. Melancholy beyond its pop measure since my grief knows I will be alone until I die. No one will ever be here, or there, or anywhere for m...

Here's what a "wedding painter" learned by observing guests over and over.     https://skincontact.substack.com/p/21-observations-from-people-watching This is great writing.  And a reminder that we all lose these skills during a period where we exposed to egotism, childishness, and ignorance on a 24/7 basis. This is what wisdom and thoughtfulness look like.   OK, I can't resist:  Don--how about spending this weekend drawing pictures of someone else's wedding.  Not speaking.  Not grabbing the bride by her pussy.  Just drawing and observing. I guarantee you will have caused less pain by Monday morning than you would have otherwise. Hey, how's Elon?  Still returning your calls?  How's the team doing?  Pretty intellectually stimulating, right?  I mean, for you.

 Don's all busy preening his fur this morning because he talked to Keir Stamler for 15 minutes without drooling. Apparently a few days ago he garbled some garbage about "we don't need trade deals.  People want our market.  We don't care about theirs."  I believe he was on the phone with the Canadian prime minister at that point. Great. We don't need their market according to this sulking child president.  (Eight % of my company's customers are in Canada.  3% in the UK.  I very much appreciate all of you!  Don't listen to the retard, please.).   But, OK, we don't need your business.   How about your respect?  How about your friendship?  How about your help while we collapse as a nation?  While our last gasps of global legitimacy sink into Don's butthole.   Don:  please shut the fuck up.  Stop embarrassing yourself and damaging my business.  You are the worst thing that has ever happened to this hypocriti...

I'm so damaged by a loveless marriage that ended in the same way it started—disappointment, denial, gaslighting and emotional distancing. I have nothing to show for 30 years of my life because of this stain. And now I'm suffering pTSD and depression so not capable of building anything new to replace the loss and the theft. Maybe some day. Makes me thankful that my ex is the only person who hurt me this badly. The one toxic mistake I made. I appreciate the others I've known more now than I would have, compared to my ex. No one in my life is capable of healing me. That's far too much to ask, even from my mental health team. I am a trauma grief depression anxiety machine. My fuel is, sadly, the person I loved most in the world.  As people have said yo me for years, she’s dead to me.  She was absent when needed and her own fuel was harsh judgement, just like her dad.    Ugly fuel. It damages my insides that I can’t find a healthy source  or a technology t...

I'm doing the best I can with AI development, enhancing products and content creation at my data and research company. I'm not overwhelmingly confident. AI is so good already. I see very few places where it's not competitive except regarding clarity of sources. And it's getting better. It's going to take a lot of effort building the dataset. And it may no longer be protectable in a "behind the firewall" sense. AI is fun and the results can empower us all we can understand relations in new ways and minimize repeating obvious mistakes. We can also apply the mathematics of vectoring to see points of statistical agreement between opposing opinions. Most importantly, #responsible AI can introduce us to new trustworthy sources and an easy marketplace to protect intellectual property and compensate the creators. We can use AI to set higher standards of truth when we speak or think or write or engage with the world. Perhaps I won't have to listen t...

 Hey, I’m having a tough time and you have my cash. Would you give me a gift?  It would mean a lot.  No?  Not surprised.  How about a hug?  A kiss?  Didn’t think so. A smile? On second thought cancel that  I hate your smile. the rest of you I disrespect. What a disappointment you are to me.  What a typical cortisol-infused American!  Those who can’t do…coach?  

I know—it's a cliche. We're ugly inside and out. We're loud. We're ignorant of anything that's not in our hands or our wallets. We have no collective memory and we recreate our own narratives daily to make more of ourselves as individuals and as a failed country, than we really are. We're all narcissists. Trump can't remember what his fat fingers typed into his Signal account 10 minutes ago. So it's with some glee that it occurred to me in my previous post that my ex-wife is truly a citizen! She is the perfect American. I marginally facilitated that process, though I'm a bit player. She manifested her citizenship in her own American way. Sadly, I am an American too. Look at me. Sad. Damaged. Irrelevant. Alone. Unable to protect anyone including myself. 

Woke up from a very violent police state nightmare. True murderous intent. I've had a tough week—we all have. This is truly hell in the US right now—and I grimace with shame when I consider the pain and anxiety we're causing to families around the globe. I hope my nightmare is not an omen. We've been armed against ourselves for far too long. Never mind the weapons that comprise the majority of our budget that are aimed at your homes right now. I wish I could say otherwise but violence is who we are now, starting right from the mob in power. They want blood and money. My own life is increasingly disrupted by the slovenly thinking and rude belligerence that defines us. I'd like to think it is not our genetic code, we white Americans. If we're not killed by our own neighbors or government—or simply by some run of the mill psycho with an American flag tattooed on his chest—I hope to be kind and build spaces that offer sustainable safety for whoever I can. ...