The Long Road Out

Do you feel shame about the person you've been with me? Do you feel shame about what you did to Doron? How about Caroline? Do you still know her? Your lover in Arizona who dumped you in a few days? Any shame there? Not apologizing to your Mom? Libby? Julia? Moushoumi? Kelsey 2x? Do you ever consider apologizing? I'd recommend it. It would give you a new perspective. The girl who ghosted you in junior high school and turned the entire class against you. Any deep buried guilt there? Not showing up for grandparents when they were calling out for help with alcohol? Emily and Hercules? Any guilt for the hours or days or weeks they lost? Or how they spent the last month of their lives before they died and left my life forever? Are you ashamed of turning your back on me night after night while you were texting with lovers? Of the thousands of hours you trash talked you husband and best friend the minute I left the room? Of never complimenting me in public once...

I saw a friend we used to have when you knew me. Haven't seen him in three years. I started crying and couldn't speak. I used to enjoy the time the four of us, with his partner, used to share. Now I'm depressed and can't maintain social relationships. I live alone and haven't had any love in my life for three years. Thank god for anti-depressants. I doubt I'd still be here. But I am. Crying on the street. Frequently. I wish you were capable of shame. It would ruin your health if you confronted your guilt. Speaking on behalf of the MbS Discard Pile.

I was talking about the degrees and kinds of nasty antisocial behavior that humans engage in.  It's all the rage now—I believe JD Vance compared Kamala Harris to venereal disease yesterday.  That's us.  That's who humans are.    We are the species that created venereal disease and then shared it amongst ourselves, after all!   Liberally.    The scale I suggested goes from 1% (unintentional blind systemic damage to others) to 100% (purposeful and harmful narcissistic manipulation creating sociopathic results).   Where do you rate?  You're probably not on this scale, right?  That's my point.   Since my benchmark is my ex-wife, and I'm unable to lobotomize myself to excise the memories and many, many resentments I have, my thoughts manically pointed in her direction.  My brain is a broken compass, and the magneto is my ex-wife.   I came up with 91% for her.  Not initially, but since sh...

Look at this helpful feedback I received from someone I know who runs a small professional association.  I'll fix my company immediately now. Subject: Some feedback... Part 1  Hello! First, an important disclaimer: I am writing in a friend's capacity here. Although I have worked in business development and can write good long-term strategies, this is not what I am offering here. I just want to share some personal observations and some third-party feedback, so please don't put any heavy weight on this. It is up to you to draw any conclusions and make any business decisions. You know your business better than anyone else, and you are taking full responsibility for any potential actions you take and decisions you make. Also, you may not like some things I am going to say, you may disagree with them, and some of them are not exactly what you heard from Collingwood. And that's fine, you will be making your own judgement. Just please ...

Here I am, depressed.   It's different than any other health situation I've experienced.    You "have" a cold.  You "have" COVID.   You do not have depression.   Depression is who you are.  It occupies every molecule of your being.  It wavers in intensity, but it does not leave.  I would imagine, should I one day walk back into the sunlight, that it will always be there…as a warning that daily activities are at risk of sending you back to a hell that you're terrified to reenter.   Also, as a friendly protector reminding you how much you appreciate it's departure.  I imagine…haven't gotten to the recovery part of this journey across the low flatland…that it will make the highs higher.  That I will appreciate more fully every ounce of love, affirmation, kindness, and beauty...every scrap of recognition…   These are distant dreams at the moment.  I bought a dozen red roses for myself yester...

Should I move to a compound and engage a large family structure? NPR had a feature this weekend that this is a cool new concept and that the dyadic family structure is outmoded. Yes…I should consider it. It's a shame that NPR doesn't have a fact checking dept, which leaves them open to big dumb generalizations like this. Even in the puritanical US, this is a very old concept. The US has a long tradition of utopian family communities…never mind the cults. Fundamentalism breeds polygamy. Google "Fourier." Google federal troops in southern Utah. Me? Personally I long for the intimacy of a dependable partner and primary friend. I falsely believed I had that for a long time and now that I understand my marriage was a fraud all along I feel like a lung got ripped out…I can't imagine being whole without a loving primary partner. I'm 69 and haven't had one. I hope the universe provides in the shortish time I have remaining. I'm not needy! ...

In business I'd never respond to a lawyer in an adversarial relationship. Communication would have to be lawyer to lawyer. I think this is standard. Fortunately, I've never been sued in all these years, and I've never defaulted on a due bill. I've never sued anyone. So I don't have to worry about those wasted bills or meaningless crises. My business needs attention from me now… but I'm tired and depressed. I often don't take care of friends these days. Sad irony. I don't like that about myself. Divorce lawyers think they're outside of normal rules. They use standards like " fair" and " equitable that are not defined in any other area of law. But then they like to see themselves as fierce advocates…the personal injury bar of emotions. Are you sad? We will WIN BIG for you! We will bend the rules of decency to corrupt fairness, because you are a victim! Makes no sense. Still, as a non-lawyer, never talk to ...

Easy answer—severe PTSD. My life partner is most definitely not trauma-informed. She laughs at women who are, and will bite your face off if you suggest that she's a "victim." In her mind, she runs the place and is in control. And she banishes the damaged and weak (did I mention she's a judge, like her dad?). Hence, getting dumped so often I believe my marriage was a Pol Pot killing field. I was detritus for 30 years. I supported us, brought humor and joy and energy to every interaction when she would respond to me, came to her aid the second she stumbled, started and launched two successful companies and planned so that she would be protected for many lives when I die. I'm pretty certain she'll die before me. See how generous I am? She never once did a single thing I asked, so I just added decades to your life Mina. She's thankfully 100% out of my will now—though I owe her $4.9 million from our divorce settlement. I broke a pl...

god save me from your compassion god save me from your altruism god save me from your spontaneous "now seems like the perfect time to tell you all the things I've been saving up for some time now about your faults." god save me from your "well I assumed..." You have weaponized these concepts. Quid pro quo time: You've been faithless to all your careers and your art You were faithless to Doron whose fault was a penchant for 90210.   Note to file:  just because it's called "streaming," it's still TV. You are not the only person on the planet who likes to nurture the idea that they were outsiders in high school. In fact, everyone on the planet likes to nurture that idea. There's nothing original or interesting about it, unless you're Mary Carr. I flew to rehab centers every weekend for six months to help Mary, sitting in the Provo and Miami-Dade waiting rooms along with the gunshot wound and motorcycle accident victim...

The amazing thing is that other people believe this garbage. Especially those who have fucked around on their partners. They love that my ex exonerates them from their own shoddy behavior.   “See? I totally deserved that threesome I had last night with those flight attendants,” my ex-wife's friends say. “I'm not lying and cheating! I deserve to fuck others. Look at how much I suffer.  Pity me!”   Right, Mina? Anyway, your $4.9 million is on the way. Glenn only got $1.8 million. This should be an interesting comparison. In Glenn's defense, he's bipolar and he really only hurt himself. What will your narrative be? Another comparison. $0 left by your dad for your mom. Just mentioning that because I believe you've confused me and Joe. The two of us had nothing in common. I connected far more with your mom. She got screwed. You didn't. At least not by me—I never screwed you. $4.9 million. Here it comes. You did screw me.  Ghosting.  Eternal trash ...

1. I got a threat before I got the final signed document!  Notice of Default. The collaborative lawyers really know how to dial down conflict.  I guess that’s why they generally come from the bottom quartile of their class. (This is a topic for another book or two, Marcus.)  2. Fortunately I know my ex-wife is considering my needs, exactly as she always has. Old leopards don't change their spots. 3. I've been ready to give her what she's owed—post-tax to her and always she gets cash first. In most cases years before me. Don't mind that though emptying all my savings is a bit rugged. And I have my ongoing medical bills and no cash. That scares me…what if I need full time care? 4. My anger is the direct consequence of being ghosted. Same in 2012. Same in 2022. Same in 2023. To comply with matrimonial law and our mediated settlement—and to still know your ex is a full throated motherfucker. That's the hard part. Again, I align with her previous victims. Knowin...

 My ex doesn't think I'm worthy of a reply now. That hurts, and it continues to make me angry.  She is not a deity.  She is not a priest.  She is not a judge.  Who gave her the right to condemn others and mete out her withdrawal punishments.  Who are her victims today? I can see how, once her on/off switch is flipped, it's a short and logical step for her to ghost friends.  Even her best friend--me.  Or her first husband, Doron.  Or her mother.  Or Libby.  Or all the others.  Kelsey obviously. We have been found lacking, and punished accordingly. The reason this must seem logical to my ex is that she doesn't accord approval to those she hasn't discarded. I worked hard for all those years in a daily scoring system of her making.  I would sleep better on the days that I hadn't been directly criticized. I never went to sleep, in 28 years, feeling that my wife loved me.  OR that I'd met her needs. I'm certain that the rea...

 The stock market went down today--the most in two years! As if I give a fuck.   But, is my ex-wife behind this?  Today was finally the deadline when I need to liquidate assets to send cash (a total of approx. $4.9 million depending on the sale price of my houses). On the bright side, I guess my capital gains liability (my ex won't understand this section--it involves legal and tax topics) for selling in a down market will be reduced next April 15! I'd say my ex deserves her lucre.  Not that she worked for it or provided a happy home life.  We didn't have kids and would have been terrible parents together if we had. She didn't clean or anything.  I believe we were aiming for 50/50 in every part of our marriage. But matrimonial laws and equitable distribution in New York State are so clear...we worked out all the terms in a three hour mediation session a year ago.  Easy peasy.  (Like everyone else, we then wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars, a...

I keep thinking of all the things I'm going through (I have no idea who or what you are anymore, so I can't imagine how you spend your time) and how much I'd enjoy it if we were still partners or even friends.   Alas poor Yorrick.   Aging with grace.   What we've learned about mental health and psychedelics.   What I've learned about other modalities from my endless therapy…I've used IFS, NVC, equine therapy, microdosing psylocibin and LSD, KAP, assisted MDMA (disaster), family constellation work, breathwork, meditation soundtracks, and of course, recovery and bliss cannabis.   And a few margaritas…fuck all you fancy folks.  They didn't help but I felt better for a few hours before depression multiplier kicked in.   Two things I haven't used…coke and sex.  Not much call for that when you're 69, living alone, and just trying to make it through the days and nights.   Also, I've changed my attitude toward the food...

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The seven most common symptoms include:   1. Grandiosity: Exaggerated sense of self-importance. 2. Need for admiration: Constantly seeking praise and validation from others. 3. Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings of others. 4. Sense of entitlement: Belief that they deserve special treatment or privileges. 5. Exploitative behavior: Taking advantage of others to achieve their own goals. 6. Envy or arrogance: Feeling envious of others or believing others are envious of them. 7. Interpersonal difficulties: Struggling with relationships due to their egotistical behavior.  

I'd really like to share my psychological challenges with someone who cares about me. Every day has been tough, and I've made some health decisions that didn't work out. I"d like to share how much I miss having a family. I'm worried about my company and I don't know what to do. It would be healing to have an honest conversation about being 69 and relatively powerless after all these years. Unlikely with someone like you, I know. I'd like to just go for a walk and talk about whatever comes up, like we used to. I wish I could make you understand how badly you hurt me in 2012. That affair and ghosting changed me forever, and not in a way I liked. Maybe I can heal from that a little now, but 2012 is buried under your abandonment in 2022 and then again in 2023 now. Always unfinished business with you. Nothing is solved. Nothing is resolved. Nothing is completed. The other shoe is always prepared to drop.

I believe a sadist enjoys experiencing the pain of others, while a sociopath doesn't really care one way or the other.   Let's use this as a working definition of the mindset of my ex-life partner.   Her main psychological response to threat is to withhold.   Withhold everything.  Money.  Sex.  Conversation.  Information.  Health.  She ghosts disagreeable people in the belief that if there's no contact those people don't despise her.   My ex believes that if she puts her head in the sand, perpetrators aren't there.    This is sadistic.  This is sociopathic.  This hurts people, in some cases lethally.  In my case, my marriage has now directly caused a relatively complete mental breakdown.  I'm 69 and just barely taking care of myself.  I miss my old life, I'm afraid of my current life, and I can't get off the couch to start a new life.   I can't read, and I can't watch ...

A few nights ago, I went to bed early.  I woke up a bit later and needed to go to the bathroom. The sun was still up!  This fact suggests I don't have a social life in the style Facebook recommends. The last time I awoke in the middle of the night to sunlight I was hiking the Appalachian Trail during the summer of 1978, with Deb Kupetz.   Hiking the AT felt worthwhile and commendable. It was a precious adventure.   The work of living with depression and loneliness may, or may not be, another precious adventure.  Let's say, for the sake of examination, that this grey morass is also worthy and commendable.  If so, I need all the sleep I can get to complete the next segment of the trail tomorrow…and tomorrow.   Plus I'll require rest…and the space for empty reflection offered by 20+ miles a day alone with my thoughts.    I used to hum John Denver's "Country Road" over and over some afternoons, after Deb had fallen back a few hundre...

We have the spectacle of Donald Trump representing every white man who likes to have blood on his face because he thinks it attracts chicks.  And today I signed my divorce settlement agreement—the end of a thirty year "friendship" because my ex believes I'm an aggressive alcohol drinking cocaine addict crossdresser.   I am—she fails to note that it's only with her.  She doesn't know the first thing about me, she's done this rodeo to dozens of others, and she's unable to experience shame.  Other than that, she's cute and loves to perform for crowds.   For the record, I actually once tried to take a bullet for my her.    So—sorry—I am not Donald Trump.  Donald Trump missed getting killed by yet another loser white 20 year old man who borrowed his daddy's AK-15.  He didn't "protect" anyone.  That was the last thing on his mind.  The fucking idiot even stood up in front of an active shooter, endangering more people ...

Today I signed my divorce settlement documents.  Notarized by the nice woman at the UPS store in Truckee California, on Donner Pass Rd.    I am writing here because I am crushed, hurt, and damaged.  I don't know what else to do to keep myself alive.   I pray that this is as low as I go.    I have to accept that I chose my life partner very poorly.   Based on what I needed for a happy life, she was a good companion, but a dreadful friend and an atrocious wife.    If she'd spent just a few minutes a year thanking or praising me, or telling me she loved me, I might be in better shape.  But, she didn't.  She used every moment I we were not together to complain about me to her friends.  I was afraid to leave her because I knew the knife would land in my back as soon as the door closed behind me.   She was a bedroom warrior.   She competed with her partner, and no one else.  Neve...

I've stopped taking chemicals etc in order to get a clear line on treating my depression.   Yesterday I took about a quarter of a microdosing hit of LSD.   And I had a glass of rose with dinner.   Today I'm lower than a summertime dog.    I've got to be careful if I'm going to get through this.  My goal is to stay clear of all the psychedelics I was doing as treatment, alcohol, and other mind-altering chemicals until early August.   Then go back on anti-depressants alone.  My MD thinks I've gone into serotonin crisis after MDMA experience and alcohol with a roommate.   I don't know.  I just know I'm close to "can't get off the couch" mode again.     

I don't know how I feel about this…I tend to defend my ex to others, despite her shortcomings.   So I'll just cut and paste.   "…good for you.  You're finally really angry about HER instead of being mad at yourself about not wanting to see what you intuitively knew.  Lucky you that you didn't take her back…I know that thought flashes by you regularly.  But, I think your uncounscious self survival mechanisms stopped you, and you used whatever tools you needed to profect yourself.  Thank god.  Let her believe that you're an insane lunatic if that keeps her far far away.  Her utter self involvement persented in a good looking superficial wrapping and a lot of acting helped her play the role of a wife and engaged partner until aging, insecurity, and whatever else needed constant confirmation of her capacity to attract.  Focus on how LUCKY you are when your're feeling taken, abused, trivialized, shameful, depressed and unable to ge...

I haven't had sex in over two years now, so I'm not really much of an expert on the topic. The last time I had fulfilling happy sex was 1994. Since then I was punished daily and told I was a terrible sexual partner. That's the main reason I believe I was in an abusive marriage. Not the affairs. Not missing my dad's death. Not withholding affection. Not watching the pain and suffering my ex caused so many others. Not the public humiliation. Not the yawning whenever I expressed an opinion. It was the daily hatred in your eyes. It was the shape of your cold back, which I know like the lines in the palm of my hand.

Well, for the death of the US of course. More so, I'm terrified of the pain you cause others without a hint of remorse. I lived with your brutality for so long that I define love the way you practiced it. Which is to say, none. I have been lonely for so long I can't distinguish connection. I do not value myself because I received no approval from you for 30 years. I got revisits, entitlement, and your endless self-justification. You do not know what love is. All you know is judgement, and the constant need to hurt those who are faster, prettier, smarter—or who are I. Trouble and thereby steal your spotlight.

This is a world where someone throws away 28 years of often happy experiences to get laid for a few weeks. And then blames the victim. I don't understand why humans should be allowed here, if this is who we are. Bottom feeders.

One of the last times I ever saw you we ended the evening with you taking a video of the broken shards of a Simon Pearce plate I broke at our dining room table.   You then shared this video with many others, and forwarded it to my divorce attorney.   This is what love looks like in discussions with you…every word is the opportunity for you to prove that your friends have betrayed you, want to hurt you, disappoint you, fail you, and are worthy of disdain and public embarrassment.  You know the list of people you've "videotaped."    You're familiar with what it means to always know better and always understand others better than they understand themselves.  Because you're actually terrible at it…empathy is NOT your default neural pattern ha ha.  We all know that, better than you do!   There's a version of reality where you use mindfulness and self-awareness techniques on yourself.  There's a technique, for instance, call...

When my life partner left me the last time, I was probably an ok prospect for a new relationship. I'm not handsome but I was in good shape and smiled a lot. I was financially successful and had a good record of long generally satisfying relationships. I had many interests and a wide group of friends. I had progressive compassionate politics and was a good listener. Now I'm depressed and alone. The lines on my face are deep and my muscles are long gone. I don't do drugs or drink, but I generally go to bed by 8. I haven't had sex in two years or more and doubt I'm a good sexual partner now. And I'm angry at the cruel mistreatment I received. I don't like being around angry people. I don't like being with myself. I used to be kind and generous. Now I have no one to help, so who cares! I'm used up. No one wants me. Maybe my ex wants me back. She would return whenever she got dumped by whoever she was fucking at the time. ...

When you walked out the second major time, I got blindsided again.  I thought of your mom:  "How do you get these nice men to fall in love with you, AND THEN DESTROY THEIR LIVES?"   Stupid of me, as I've commented here.  Your behavior is well practiced and any moron could see it coming.  Still, I somehow believed I was special in your life.  Your remaining friends still believe your line of crap.  Your enemies know better.   Anyway, my tactic was to not pressure you or ask any questions, because I would always get irritated at your flimsy or non-existent answers.  You are a land of "that's not what happened" or "it didn't matter."   So, I sat quietly while you deserted our marriage of 28 years so you could smooch up to inferior types you met everywhere else.  Prime examples of the last year before you told me you were fucking other people:   Non-violent communication—you gave those morons at Spirilis tons ...

Until you take accountability for your personality disorder, I will continue to side with your victims:

In 2012 you hated me so much you felt justified skipping my dad's death. Then you crawled back two months later. In 2022 you hated me so much you felt justified skipping my mental health breakdown. Then you crawled back two months later. In 2023 you hated me so much you felt justified leaving me because I broke a plate when you would not stop bullying me. Your definition of ending friendships is to ghost people. So I have no idea what you were thinking or why you are so violent toward friends. But from the outside it seems pretty obvious. The first two times you were fucking someone else and the dumped you quickly. This time I assume you found another sucker? Or just gave up. Both are reasonable explanations based on your life patterns and default neural state. I gave you more love, care, support, humor, sex, and tolerance than you will ever get from another human being. You'll be disappointed forever. I'd take you back now. I still like you—th...

I am frail and broken, and afraid. But I will not forget. And I will be here forever. I represent those before me who you have hurt. Those before me who are the victims of your selfish certainty. We universally deserved the pain you dish out. And because of that we are not worthy of mention. All the sick people who hate you. I'll resign. All you have to do is begin to help others. You don't help others with your work, which is not relevant or particularly helpful. You help others by loving them and holding them. By listening. The normal stuff included in any list of caring activities. Lending a gentle loving hand to those of us who are down. Not begrudging small generosities when you are stealing from the bank of love. . We do not want to see you perform emotional scales. We do not like your theater or writing, and we universally laugh at the hypocrisy of you as a professional caregiver (I'm sure you've never been paid for that…unless...

This is really what depression is like.   I'm doing all the wrong things.  No Shower.  Can't leave the house. Stopped all activities.  Same clothes as yesterday. Can't burden anyone with this so stay alone. Food doesn't taste. Can't read.  Ruminating on this.   No family.  No hope. No one to know me or love me, and no one to give back to.   This it the real show…wow.  I don't want to forget this.  It's a pure truth, more powerful than LSD.   It's everywhere and it's very very heavy.   Two years of treatment for depression but nothing ever like this. I'd move but I can't.   

Narcissists are like religious people.  They might be harmless if left alone with their thoughts…but they can't stop proselytizing…   My ex-wife dumped me once in 2012.  She told me she was leaving while we were leaving a movie in Sundance.  The next day we returned home, and she disappeared a few hours later in a huge clean white pickup truck.  No idea who the driver or owner are.   What I do know is that she ended up in Arizona for a few days two weeks later, fucking someone.  Presumably it was someone she'd met at a theater workshop run by Moises Kaufman's Tectonic Group.  That's a guess.  My ex was disdainful of Moises—if there's one thing narcissists can't stand it's sharing the limelight with someone who is better at stealing it than they are.   I don't care what kind of person Moises is.  I'll never meet him and don't want to.  I value The Laramie Project and the Trials of Oscar Wilde.  Incredible ...

A bunch of years ago my wife left me for the 2 nd time.    She said I was angry.  I agreed.  After she left me and ghosted me, I was very angry with her.  And disappointed.  This was the 2 nd time she'd left me, claiming anger, but actually because some one else had said she was attractive and they wanted to fuck her.   No one has said that to me.  Ever.  I imagine that makes your head spin.  That's how you looked to me—like a love-struck puppy.    Both the Arizona person and Caroline in Quebec dumped my ex within a few weeks.  She ended up in tears and alone, and came back to me eventually six months later.  She's still certain that the reason this happened was because I was angry.  She's a life coach now so she could help explain all this to you, if you pay her.    Her web site says something like "I want to share my passion with you!!!"  (Order a side dish…you might en...