The Long Road Out

 Liz flew to see Don this morning, and asked why he's being celebrated when he's fucked up the global markets far far more deliberately and without a plan than she did. Liz was thrown out of office within 45 days because the old white men didn't like a woman claiming to have economic skills. Trump agreed:  "You have tits and a vagina," he explained.  "You can't do anything.  I can do whatever I want and everyone loves me." "Elon agrees with me," he said.. Here's how I feel about self-inflicted pain of the sort that anyone who voted for Trump appears to love:

A friend described a different perspective on surviving an acrimonious divorce yesterday. I can't get her language exactly, but the essence was around the idea that she was proud to be free of knowing someone who treats others badly. She had an abusive narcissist spouse, and so did I. I've struggled to put my bad wife aside. I make small progress every day. And my therapist is now working on me to gain nurture and nutrients from the kindness and compliments I often receive from my new friends and acquaintances. But, my ex still comes up in nearly every conversation and my heart is still broken. So, bring "proud" rings true to me as a healing principle through the later stages of post-trauma symptoms. My marriage destroyed most of the ways I nurtured myself and eventually my default systems of self respect collapsed. I became the angry self-medicating version of myself that I did not like. And most of it came because I was trying to love and care for a sociop...

I lived in nYC for 43 years. I'm flying out now likely for the last time ever. Certainly the last time as a resident. As the plane takes off, I flip you the bird. I say "fuck you" loud enough so my fellow business class travelers interrupt their work. The whole NYC experience was a shitty mistake. Honestly, fuck you all. Recall the happy strong optimistic 27 year old running across the GWB planning to conquer midtown five miles to the south, glittering against the Hudson? I am not that man. I'm an a defeated tired 70-year old. My parents' ashes wash back and forth there now. I have no one who will return to add mine to theirs. By any standard I succeeded as a NYC transplant. I started two successful businesses. I did philanthropy at a very serious level. I ran over 7000 loops of Central Park—generally fast. I consumed culture and life experience and wonderful food. I enjoyed huge communities of friends. I made beautiful homes out of wrecked de...

My divorce settlement is around $4.5 million (post-tax!). Did I get enough love from my life partner to justify this payment? I don't dispute the amount from a legal sense—the rules in NYS matrimonial law are simple and clear (and hopefully the gang at Vacca-tion will learn to apply them soon without wasting time and resources. Don't hire these idiots. You'll spend the rest of your life paying legal bills for nothing.). I'm asking myself about the love value received. The self-esteem ratio. The happiness equation. Did I get a decent JPD return? If you don't know that acronym, it means joy per dollar. Duh.

 Integrity. Decency. Goodness. The ability to life without jealousy.  The heart yo say “thanks” with ease, and mean it.  A sense of awe that conquers disappointment.  An asset that you earned yourself.  A partner in life who is rich enough to make you feel safe  I’m not   You picked poorly. Truth that isn’t manufactured or gaslit. Someone who loved you as much as I did   Dopamine, endorphins, and empathy   Leadership skills   Administrative patience. Friends who want you yo be part of their organizations. A strategy to stop taking money and nothing else from your partner, so you can hide from my anger and disgust  (I can’t avoid you either when I’m sending $3900 a month to you for the rest of my life.  You are truly and well stuck to me like flypaper now, thanks to your neediness and your lawyers.) This is a lot. I wish you were more than you are. Or even an authentic version of who you claim to be. It would have been worthwhil...

Look at what you do to avoid owning your shame.   A dog with a bone.  I have a cat. I’m a cat person. When I’m with Ceci I know peace.  I’m on my way home. You and me. I love you so much.  Stay away. Chloe knew. Bear knew.