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Knocked off my rocker

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I still like to dance with energy, and move through my world. I hate Trump and his ICE thugs. I always err on the side of kindness if possible. I value companionship and listen as carefully as possible, and always wish I did better. I'm a romantic at heart but I'm alone. I've had my heart broken for the first time at a relatively late age, though resilience in the face of adversity compounded the damage. In other words, when I fell, I could not get up. I still struggle to get to my knees, and I'm uncertain for many steps when I am first on my feet. I still consider my ex to be my greatest trauma and biggest failure, even though I survived her narcissism for decades longer than anyone in her life. I ended up in the same junk pile as others she hurt in the end; dumped, blamed and ghosted. This is the pattern with gaslighters—avoidance of shame, guilt and responsibility will be Mina's final edict and absolution. I believe I am a survivor of a toxic, abu...
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The old self-hate showed up at 3:40 this morning

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I think I forgot to take my anti-depressant yesterday. Then I had two small glasses of red wine with dinner. My friend is back. The one who says "you're such an asshole David." Unconnected to anything, which is unusual. Maybe the stress of moving? I'm not conscious of having disappointed anyone or failed to follow through on anything. The usual sources of harsh self-critical thought. What is he trying to warn me of?
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You can escape your past ignorance, Don

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Hey moron…   So, now you're acting as if you're an independent power broker with Iran and Israel.  Don't hurt yourself doing gymnastics and posturing.   What a tool you are, Donald Trump.   Europe has been meeting with the combatants.  They specifically excluded you Don, since you can't be trusted and you suck all the air out of the room. This war was caused by you, in 2018.  We had the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action through which Iran agreed to avoid nuclear development in return for Israel's agreement to stop attacking and invading.  You complained back then that Iran cheated…but remained stupidly silent on the fact that Israel assassinated Iranians and others on Iranian soil and continued covert warfare the whole time.  Anyway, Israel got the message that it could keep doing whatever it wanted, and you were too stupid to notice. No military leader in this country who isn't a character in Dr. Strangelove (Pete Hegadeath?)...
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I bought myself a new house

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The old one will sell this year. In the meantime, I have a room of my own—far more than I need to be honest. I'm proud of every one! I'm happy in every space. There's a fire pit in the back yard and I want to use it. I have Sonos speakers and a printer connected to my network, called Sublime. I might not change those for a long time.
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2,522,383

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That's what the sale of my beautiful and loved home on Riverside Drive in Manhattan was worth to my ex-wife. Proves the point that love and beauty have no value that correlates with currency (maybe bitcoin, though that seems unlikely?). I loved my ex and I loved my home. Poof. Onward through this cruel cold world, never to be seen again. 652,480. That's how my love paid out on long odds.
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On a scale of 1 to 10, can sadness heal?

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 No. Being sad hurts, and good people try to offer aid  to a degree that doesn’t ruin their own lives or negate them   Sadness is narcissistic   Shame, guilt and grieving can. These are states of pain and terror.  These emotions are about seeing the ashes and knowing yours are mixed with those in the nameless pit.  That you didn’t feel a thing until you, yourself, began to burn.   Let’s all hear of your shame and your guilt and your grief.  Speak White!   Cat got your tongue?  Not surprising to find you mute when health, healing, and joy are possible. Healing emotions start at 15…not placating 6.  
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Carnivores’ semen tastes bad

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 I’ve been told this by past girlfriends.  Coffee doesn’t help. Pineapple does.  Employees of ICE:  don’t force women to give you blowjobs, as you have.  You need to fix yourself first.  Your semen stinks.  While you’re fixing this disgusting fact about yourself that no facemask can hide—stop procreating.  Can you image a kid looking up at you next Father’s Day—or earlier this morning—and seeing someone who does what you do for a living?   Who sees the sweat and blood and urine and shit and tears of the dead before the laundry man comes. Please keep your dementia to yourself until you are gone.  Nice job in LA by the way.  Stay in Orange County with your marine friends, who also have semen problems, though up until now not from killing white men like you on US soil. 
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