PTS--when you have all the symptoms, you hate yourself and you can't ever have another relationship

I cannot have a new relationship now.  I do not trust others to not hurt me by casually disregarding my needs.  And I'm terrified I'll repeat the mistake of finding another truly dreadful and abusive grifter.  Someone who sees me as a meaningless easy mark.  Internally, I can't control my reaction to others, even if kind.  I reject validation, laugh at compliments, and defer gifts.  But mostly I isolate myself from new contacts out of deep fear.  It feels like terror, many times.

 

Everyone constantly sorts for safety after trauma, and that's the key part of my neural activity.  This makes me project a desire to cause me pain on other people. I'm an empath, but now I can not sustain the quality or quantity of holding space for others.  I interrupt people now when they share, out of need for validation and lack of boundaries.  This is not who I was prior to PTS, though, like you, I've always hoped to engage in continuous emotional improvement.  PTS takes an empath out of service, at least in my case.  

I care for you but I can't deliver that care dependably--frustration, lack of focus, memory gaps, and boredom (!) are now factors where before I feel my attention to others was pure.  I'm embarrassed and try to avoid helping others.  Deadly for someone like me who learned early that I need to please others to receive love. 

My empathy responses are not under my control now.  PTS.  Plain and simple. 

I've changed all my boundaries, but I cannot describe or identify them in a mature way.  I enforce these unhealthy and evolving boundaries in an almost random way.  I'm sure I'm confusing everyone I meet and I'm beginning to notice frustration and exhaustion responses for many others.

Ultimately I hope to connect with others in a new way, but safety and trust will be more central to everything.  Since I haven't had to learn, I don't have the tools for a more mature approach to connection and attachment. 

Hypervigilence, emotional numbness, and anxiety.  Welcome!  My new and perhaps only friends.

A common social response for me is to assume betrayals and to be easily triggered by what appear to be alternative motives.  Not just from my spouse, who never disclosed her agenda except via criticism of others.  From everyone now.  I cannot dependably focus on anything.

Do I have intense uncontrollable emotions?  Yes, anger and depression appear to be the most common.  I have also had minor "panic attacks" when I recall episodes from my marriage.  Literally...Escalating hyperventilation.  Chest pains.  Weakness particularly of the limbs.  Inability to walk up stairs (I used to run ultramarathons.)

Do I have new communications barriers now?  I believe so.  I get quickly impatient when others don't understand what I'm saying about my needs.  I become quickly defensive and feel misunderstood, leaving me with an increasing number of unresolved issues.  I've ghosted over 30 personal friends now, because they triggered.

I experience avoidance attachment—I become overly dependent on another for validation.  At this point, the only person I can attach to is my therapist.  I'm worried about myself without "pleasing" her.

My resilience and ability to complete tasks, offer care,

I've reduced my workload and "demoted" myself in order to not disappoint as many people, in the belief that I am not able to "show up" dependably.  There are long periods of time where I sit on the couch and do nothing.  In the recent past I've performed for work calls and then slept face down on the couch for hours before I can respond to another human again. 

Empathy is potentially reduced because of the "burnout" impact.  There's simply not enough left after I try to take care of myself.  

I am left without anyone who is potentially a compassionate caregiver…and I do not have any heirs when I die. 

I do not have a traditional family, which means that my cat is my current most significant relationship.  Ceci.  She's a hero…

Tools?  Journaling, hobbies, therapy, ketamine assisted psychotherapy, microdosing—anything to calm the amygdala and aid the focus….

I can't read and I can't stream TV, because, I believe, I might miss a friendly outreach from my abusers.  

Doesn't this sound more like Stockholm Syndrome than PTS?  I don't know.  I'm too anxious to answer.

I'd like to be your friend, but I recommend you don't return my messages.  I know I'll disappear at some point and don't want to hurt you.   Narcissistically, I'm less concerned about what damage I might do to you than I am concerned for my own survival.

PTS...I look at the new me and my symptoms double...