Maybe it's more than a energetic Inner Critic?

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Lots of inputs these days:

  • Intense talk therapy
  • An upcoming MDMA journey welcoming the Inner Critic (or another part…see below)
  • My beautiful brother Glenn is in jail again after going off his meds last weekend.  He's charged with assault this time, it appears, so his manic detachment is having worse outcomes each time
  • Microdosing .15 psilocybin
  • My equine therapist Titan (and his friends Chet and Jet) have more to say to me as I get to know them better.

 

The talk therapy jarred me yesterday.  I don't know quite what I learned yet, but discovered something around this idea—my overactive Inner Critic is in overdrive because I can't get the outside approval it needs.  It's not because of my abusive marriage. 

 

This changes the algebra of healing.  Maybe I've been trying to manically solve how my ex could be so consistently cruel for such an extended period of time, but even if I could solve that puzzle (all I have is that she inherited sociopathic narcissism from her dad), yesterday's therapy makes me realize that I won't find peace.  It's an unsolvable problem that I spent 28 years with an abuser, and if a miracle occurred and I knew the answer, I'd still feel as shitty as I do.

 

However, since I get gallons and tons and palette-level approval from others, a second hunch is simply that I plugged my wife into the contract I had with my mom.

 

We tacitly agreed that I would be her responsible young man always, and that she would never withhold approval.

 

Look who I selected to carry on a contract she would never desire, and could not fulfill even if she wanted to.  She just saw the young responsible boy.  My wife didn't see the child craving approval.

 

And wow, my ex-wife forcefully refused to participate in the contract she had nothing to do with.

 

Like, wow. 

 

Still, it appears that this small, weak person, suffering in her own ways, stuck with her own contract with an abusive father and a crushed mom, is the only person on the planet whose approval I trust.

 

OK, MDMA.  June 27.  I'm counting on you!!!  I need a breakthrough, and I think I'm ready.  And I have Titan and my cat and some friends and talk therapy to help?

 

Whatever happens…I'm curious, excited, and open…come and teach me, please…whichever part of me feels the desire to show up as the medicine begins.

 

 

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