The Long Road Out

My marriage was probably falling apart anyway when my ex took off to take a masturbation class with Caroline, who was or soon became her girlfriend.  The separation wounded me badly.  Broadly speaking a spent a year living with PTSD, two years with depression, and the most recent year withdrawing from everything associated with that experience.   And we've had Trump in the meantime.  The first president of any country to not understand the difference between qualifications for the Nobel Peace Prize and a NYS indictment.  Why the same behavior would not qualify you for both, or neither, is a mystery only Don understands. I still think of my ex far too often.  I'm journaling this because it's four years old and I woke up this morning mad at her still.   (Note:  I'm on Zoloft and forgot to take it yesterday...my ex comes up far less when I take anti-depressants,) It's been a long haul, and there's no real light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm not...

It’s never good news when a message from your ex lands in your inbox,” says my therapist. I believe she’s right. Either the message, if read, will confirm dysfunctional tropes and patterns that made you sick. Or it won’t, expanding the original scope of damage.   I send my ex-wife $3854.16 in interest payments each and every month. We have no other communication but the last few months she's sent a pablum thank you note—"thanks and I hope you're enjoying Truckee" is her best effort to date. This month I faltered and responded with an update—my new cat, what I've learned about my depression, a few things I feel good about. Same old me. Expecting connection from a cinder block. The result is exactly the same as it's always been. Cinder blocks don't become roses, and neither are expressive. My bad. I'm old enough and strong enough to withstand the addictive desire to reclaim a past with her that never existed except in my fantasies. Please please d...

Fooled you on that one. I love to dance and have always danced. So this isn't a rejection of an offer. It's gratitude and acceptance. And of course a tributary in the deep river of grieving. I may never dance again, other than my solo joy moments. Moving in the air. The dance is done.

My home had been taken over by a party my ex-wife and mortal enemy wa throwing. Lots of people I didn't know showed up. There was good music but nobody danced. I left and wandered around town knocking things down. When I came back people we starting up leave the party but the thing was still there making out with two women. Someone told me she had a daughter. They all left laughing and I finally woke up. Why is my subconscious brain wasting my remaining life with this painful drivel? My best guess that it's watching Trump's fascism destroy my country. He too is humorless, unconcerned about my pain, and unable to hold an adult conversation. Narcissus was a minor side story among the ancient gods. Narcissism in humans is the most sociopathic and psychopathic cruelty. It's a plague unleashed on us, and we're unvaccinated. The koolaid you drank will kill us all, you Trump fucks. Or maybe I blame my ex for being such a careless simpleton. For never inviti...

I hope he gets up again. Not because we need armed men—flatulent warriors is all we have these days. But because if Orion stands up as winter approaches I will too. I am not functioning particularly well. I chose the wrong tasks. Interacting with others takes a long time and I'm not consistently decisive. Please don't worry David, or trigger unnecessary anxiety. Other than the cats who need me, what does it really matter if I fade off into self-contained ridiculousness? Does it matter if I can't or won't return texts, or if I stall on simple and complex projects? I think my spirit is telling me how to die happier, which is not to care. Be true and clear as you walk yourself home alone my dear friend. Hello Loveling. Perhaps each day is practicing for the end. Practicing to lie still like a September Orion.

Trump files dozens of lawsuits daily. Recently he's been claiming libel from the radical left press—ie the NYT for instance. Trumpers wouldn't know "left" if it bit them on the ass. It involves free health care, income redistribution via fair tax policies, superior education, and respect for international law. The NYT?  Washed out morally compromised liberalism on a good day.  War hawks most of the other days. Don’t believe me?  Name one solid left publication you read.    I’m waiting.   Citizens don't have access to the courts because fat pigs like Trump waste the resources. Remember 77 failed lawsuits claiming election fraud? Try getting your slip and fall dispute on those dockets! Don't bother. You can't afford it. But worse: is he paying his own bills? Or is he using treasury money to sue us? I'm sure if you look deep inside your soul you know the answer. Motherfucker. You suck as a human, Don.